Types Of Penises That Are Also Types Of People: A definitive guide
Lost for words? Wondering which penis word is right to describe your friend, co-worker or boss? Let me break it down for you with this easy to use glossary.
Man, that guy is such a:
Dick: Dick describes an annoying person, an overly dominant person, or any guy with the given name “Richard”.
Dickhead: There is an incredible controversy surrounding the term “dickhead”. Does it mean that the person is one big head of a penis, or that they have a penis on their head? Or that their head is shaped like a penis? Some things man wasn’t meant to know.
Prick: Contemptible person. “Arsehole” and “prick” are similar in figurative meaning, but opposite in literal meaning. Small penis, the size of a pin prick.
Dode: A dode is a penis with a head that has twice the mass of the shaft. A medical condition known as “doditis”. Also, a stupid or useless person.
Putz: Yiddish. A penis with a completely flat head. Complete moron.
John Chodes, Playwright
Schmuck: Yiddish. A penis with a speared head, uncircumsized – and therefore extremely offensive to the Jewish people. Also a complete moron. [edit: 17/2/09. Turns out I don't know shit. Whodathunkit. A schmuck is actually the discarded foreskin after circumcision.]
Chode: Penis with greater width than length. An anatomical possibility, and also a source of wonderment. Based on the Indian myth of Shiva, the God with 1000 penises that destroy the entire universe with their spooge. Also, a man who can’t fuck to save his life.
Tool: Getting down to the nuts and bolts of it. A tool is a penis shaped like an adjustable spanner. Once I heard a guy trying to chat up a girl at a train station, saying how he couldn’t get laid that night so he decided to start fights instead. To see the tool in his natural habitat, go out in Newcastle on a Friday night.
Cock: So called because of the similarity between a rooster’s beak (or “pecker”) and comb (or “dangly red thing”) and a man’s pecker and dangly red thing. See also, dick.
Weiner: Hot dog! We all love a good footlong now and then. Except when it’s a weiner. A weiner is a guy of limited social intelligence who puts his footlong in his mouth from time to time.
Wee-wee: An oldie but a goodie. Can’t go past the classics! Extremely versatile word. Can be used in any context, to describe anyone at any time. e.g. “That guy is a real wee-wee – I bet he eats his own doo-doo.”
With a name like Wang, you know it's good!
Knob: A penis shaped like a door-knob. In Africa, young boys have precious stones shoved in their pee-pee hole so their penis’s growth is stunted and grows in a door-knob or mushroom shape. Thus the origin of this term. Though it doesn’t apply exclusively to Africans – everyone is discriminated against if they’re a knob.
Schlonger: An extremely long flaccid penis.
Wang: A chinese term for penis. Often used in a business sense – e.g. “Wang Computing is a really good company”.
