Talking Shit – The Ultimate Guide to Types Of Turds
It’s not really an ultimate guide. I lied.
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Lately I’ve been working out, so I have to eat more, so I end up taking magnificent big shits that fill up the whole toilet bowl. Most of the time they’re “Double Headers” – which means you wipe, get up, put your pants on, almost do your belt up – then you realise you’re not done at all. All of a sudden it’s Part Two – it’s Attack of the Clones.
What results is a layer cake of shit, toilet paper, shit, and more toilet paper. I was going to take a photo of one of these monstrosities to show you guys, but then I realised how awful that’d be. Still I thought it’d be cool to tell you about it.
The Touchdown
The Touchdown is a kind of turd that is so long, that before you finish squeezing one out, it has already gone into the water. A “Sudden Death Touchdown” is where it goes into the water still attached to your butt, touches the porcelain, AND leaves a skidmark in the bottom of the bowl.
Scraping the Barrel
a.k.a. The Kanga. An old favourite – a practical joke. Sit on the toilet backwards so the shit leaves skiddies all down the front of the bowl. Harsh but fair.
Second Breakfast
This kind of shit is very nostalgic. It brings a tear to my eye. You know when you take a shit at about 11 am. All your breakfast hasn’t been fully digested, and you get to see it again. Welcome back breakfast. There is a peach, there is a piece of bircher muesli.
The Orgasm Turd
A smooth brown excretion comes out and massages the prostate. This is a shit that feels so good, and you don’t want to question why because it seems just a little bit gay.
The Paint Ball
You get to the toilet with that final bout of diarrhoea. You tense your stomach muscles and POOT! A nice big fart comes out. Along with it, a nice distributed spray of shit, leaving marks on your toilet bowl that looks like a big brown paint ball hit it.
The Splasher
You know it’s going to be a big one. You hold one cheek up in preparation for it. But you lose concentration and put your arse on the seat just as it comes out. SPLOOSH! Water on your arse.
The Shit Kebab
Once Luke’s friend did a shit off a ten foot drop. It landed, stuck on the rock, perfectly upright, and seven inches long.
After Grog Bog
a.k.a. AGB a.k.a. Mach 1. Self-explanatory.
Cleveland Steamer
You wake up in someone else’s bed with a stranger next to you. You remember how bad the sex was last night. You decide leave them a nice present, on their chest.
Giving Birth
When you do this shit, you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. You hesitate before pressing the flush button, and shed a little tear. You shiver when you flush, and, while you’re not sure exactly what, you feel as if something of great significance has happened on this day.
The Standing Salute
You stand upright over the toilet bowl, the seat fully up, with no pants on. You open your sphincter and release. Whoopsidaisies. Weeee plop.
White Marble
Reserved for fagosexuals. Your crap comes out with white marbled all through it.
Top Deck
When you’re in the armed forces, you don’t get a whole lot of “alone time”. So when you go do a number two, you also do a number three on top. Ultimate Top Deck is where you put your hand down and aim your number three on the poop!
Funny names for taking a crap
- Pinching a loaf
- Snappin a darky
- Abos knocking on the back door (Not to be used in polite company)
- Laying some bricks
- Dropping the kids off at the pool
- Having a brown baby boy
- Cleanin out the shit pipes
- I have to see a man about a dog
- Taking a dump
- Hanging a shit
- Sending the boys off to sea
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Comments (7)
Field report. James has succeeded in the matrix. Awesome.
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of glory.
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It was a bit of your style kurt.
Which feels slightly degrading.
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But cool.
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Of passion.
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huh? does that mean you went up to a girl and started talking about a crap you did today
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Nah, I was really misleading with that one.
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