Relationships for Dummies/Fucking idiots
Ten Funky Ways to Keep Your Lover
1. The Ability To Spend Hours Together
Hanging out with a girl, you will have to turn off all your logic, and ignore a lot of the things the woman says, because it’s often stupid. That’s key.
Also, daydream of someone else and get those homeric glasses with the eyeballs painted on. Actually, get three pairs. She may catch on at least two times.
2. Attraction Beyond The Mirror
Sure, my must-have man checklist – dark hair, nice smile, 7 foot tall, 15 inch penis – helps form an initial attraction. But that’s just a pretty cover that gets you to open the Picture magazine and start reading. Let’s face it, neither of you are going to look the same 10 years from now. He’ll probably have lost his teeth, gotten a peg leg, glass eye. He is a pirate. Penis pump… spray-on hair he bought off an infomercial… foundation to cover up his prison tattoos…
3. Personal Motherfucking Space
My friend Beth* and her husband John* have to be one of the most together couples I know. Why? What’s their secret? Well, John is secretly homosexual so they have no sexual tension, and their marriage is strictly platonic. What does this have to do with personal space? I don’t really know, just thought it was weird.
4. Fight Rules
Fights are important to keep the passion in any relationship going. If you’re a guy, tell her that her friend is hot. Make sure you perv on women in front of her. Tell her that her brother is gay. Punch her in the fucking tits and aim for the bullseye. She’ll appreciate that you’re so gangsturr about it.
Talk about your ex-girlfriends ALL the time. Compare her to them. Make her feel that just maybe she doesn’t measure up. That thin margin of insecurity can keep the relationship going for years. Tell her she’s special, because she’s the first girl you ever had… after a 3 week dry spell.
Hell, even bring your exes over to discuss old times while she’s there. Simulate sexual positions that you would want to do with them, and time it perfectly so your girl walks in to see you on the floor at just that time. She’ll get mad with jealousy, but inside she’ll know you really give a shit, enough to keep her on her toes.
Make sure she knows who’s boss. “Remember when I told you not to put the milk back in the fridge and you did, and I said I’d get you back?” says Derrick, 29, “Yeah… well, I fucked your best friend today.”
If you’re a girl, ask him loaded questions like “Do you think my arse is fatter now, or when you met me?”
And never, ever, go to sleep without hot make-up sex. And by that I mean put on her make up and have sex with her. Kinky.
5. A No-Fail Sex Position
Surprise sex is often fun. Wait until she’s asleep and stick it in whilst you’re spooning (i.e. while you’re suffocating in her hair whilst your arm is going numb)
6. Humour.
Here’s a little tip. Women are not funny at all, and they don’t get jokes because they’re dumb, so what you have to do is laugh at them. Fart on them often, play practical jokes on them, like going down on them when you have a coldsore outbreak.
7. Belief In The Person
I once had a girl who all my friends and family – me included – thought I’d end up marrying… She became homeless and is now a prostitute. Who gives a shit about belief. Just be smart and don’t pick a whore.
We’re emotional, sometimes our judgement is gay or just plain homosexual.
Yeah… think about it.
8. Little Things
When I was growing up, my dad would propose to my mum at least once a week, with a plastic ring he got out of my happy meal. Then he would turn to us and say “Just kidding you little runts, you’ll be bastards forever.”
It was a small gesture but it really let us know he cared and was sensitive deep down and shit.
Ah yes. Little gestures to spice things up… Making her a cupcake to give to her – As in farting in your hand and sticking it up her schnozz. She won’t mind. She’ll appreciate it.
Once my friend would send his girlfriend chocolates every week so she knew how much he cared. She dumped his arse for the trolley boy where she worked. How’s that for romance.
The moral of the story is, treat her like a prostitute. Don’t treat no girly good unless you’re sure of the scoop.
9. A Life-Changing Experience
Losing a job, having a business fail, one of you falling ill, the death of a family member. Not things you wish upon anyone… Now of course if any of these things happen to your girlfriend, you’d want to give her your unconditional support. Don’t. Fucking run, because the stress you’ll go through will give you cancer as well. That girl is bad motherfuckin juju. Ditch that arse before it gets herpes.
10. Secrets
Keeping secrets from your partner is a big no-no right? Not really, when you’re fucking three guys behind his back, taking it double adapter style any way it fits, and performing fellatio for pimps in back alleys… You probably should keep that to yourself girl. Keep the money to yourself too. Except if you’re with me of course. But if you’re with me, why would you need to fuck anyone else?
“You have to have a couple of those,” says Penny, 31, who has a weakness for military men that her boyfriend of five years knows nothing about. “It’s my thing, my guilty little pleasure, and it’s not hurting anyone not knowing. Except when the cock is too big and stretches my pussy. That hurts like a bitch.”
Having your own little chunk of private time is a no-fail way to ensure you don’t fail in a relationship. More importantly it goes back to feeling your own person. When you’re together long-term it becomes harder to work out where one of you ends and the other begins. Self-stimulation is one method of keeping sane and happy. If you’re not happy feeling yourself, you can’t really expect anyone else to be.
Having your own private time is essential in a relationship, when you’re sick of banging the same woman once… twice a month. You can beat it off to a more attractive woman being fucked by a huge black guy on the Internet.
Also, if she has any secrets of her own, use them against her.
If you agree, repost as “Relationships For Dummies/Fucking Idiots”.
If you disagree, repost to show everyone how offended you are.
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Comments (2)
additional material by … hayley.
actually half of it’s by luke but i can’t put by kurt and luke in the by line