It’s not easy being the coolest guy in the universe. For one thing you get a bunch of annoying little brats coming up to you in the street trying to give you their money. Trying to go to the bathroom in a hotel the other night, a girl jumped down from the ceiling and started taking my pants off to suck my cock. Damn. All I wanted to do was take a whizz.
Still, I guess it does have its perks, considering I was born with a one metre long penis, though it means I have to have sex with 9 foot tall Amazonian women because they’re the only women that are tough enough to take it. When I’m in the guy’s locker room, and I hear my name and turn around really quick… about three lights get blown and I knock out five guys. Sorry guys. It’s not my fault I have a ridiculously giant dick.
Every time I’m walking down the street, birds suddenly appear, every time I am near. They start tweeting out the tune of “Stayin’ Alive”. Kinda funny but I never questioned it.
The paparazzi is always on my ass, trying to take pictures of my ass. What can I say, I have a perfect ass-to-waist ratio. I also have a perfect big-toe to second-biggest-toe ratio. It’s not easy having the hottest feet in the universe. Especially if you go to Tony Robbin’s retreat in Fiji.
Damn, I’m cool. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, go to the mirror and sing love songs to myself. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is my favourite, closely followed by “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You”.
It’s not easy being the coolest motherfucker in the universe, but all in all, it’s worth it. Stay awesome Melbourne!
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fuckin good