Touch me, take me to that special place
Who is the hottest, sexiest, brilliantest, awesomest, talentedest, up-and-comingest guy in the entire universe right now?
If you guessed me, you’re almost right. The correct answer is Arthur Kade.
“Who?” I hear you ask from the peanut gallery. Arthur Motherfucking Kade, you dimwit, I reply. You need to pay attention to what you’re reading.
Arthur Kade is the latest Internet craze that’s sweeping the Internet by storm in a smooth, delicious fury of Internet sauce. Anyone who is anyone knows that Arthur Kade is the greatest nobody to ever be somebody.
Kade was a financial advisor in Philadelphia, who stood up one day and told his boss to shove his job up his fiscal quarter, and declared himself to be the ultimate Hollywood superstar. At the time, no one believed him. As time went on, progressively less people believed him. But that didn’t stop him. Kade is not one man, he’s a one-man-hurricane.
Whenever you mention his name, there are certain questions that come up, like:
“Who the hell is Arthur Kade?”
“What does he do?”
The answers to these questions are, respectively: “Isn’t it obvious?” “Nothing special”.
Arthur Kade is a man who is becoming famous for just being himself. I have a theory that if you can make enough people hate you so much that they leave comments on your blog, write articles about you, make websites about what an asshole you are – you’ve got to be on your way to success. No one can ignore a guy like that for long. Arthur Kade is that guy. Arthur Kade is the guy that can make everyone hate him.
And hate him they do. People can’t stop hating on him. Every time he posts on his blog, there is an avalanche of comments from the dark abysses of the web. People wait in the flanks of his site, just to pounce on it and ask him things that tax his mind considerably. Things like “Man… why are you such a douchebag?” and “Man…. why are you such a fag?” and “Wow… your nose is so awesome and Roman and Greek-looking. Your skin looks so smooth, I just want to touch it! …Fag!”
But Arthur Kade’s upbeat attitude will not let disparaging comments get him down – when asked for comment, Kade was quoted as saying “Uhmmhh… uhhrrhhh…” Not really sure what he meant by that – I guess genius is a difficult thing to understand.
Undeniably, Arthur Kade is not a man to be fucked with. And with his undeniably unfuckwithability, comes balls. And with his balls come guts. And with his guts, come a mouth. And with his mouth comes shit. A whole lot of shit.
Kade is the man that epitomises the 21st century ideals: No talent, no special skills, just a complete and unwavering belief that he deserves everything fine the world has to offer, now. I for one support him in his endeavour, and believe him when he says that women are smitten with his beauty and chiselled features whenever they see him (though millions wouldn’t). Though if you’re anything less than a ten – if you’re a 9.5, or if you’ve only been in two Victoria Secret shoots – you need fuck off fatty, get back to the gym, and throw some Ds on that bitch. Get real, Kade wouldn’t touch you with my dick (though I probably would). How could you insult the man with anything less than a 0.7 to hip-to-waist ratio, glow-in-the-dark whitest of white teeth, skin that is baby soft, with that airbrushed look.
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This theme is MUCH better.
Bryl-creem, a little dab’ll do ya,
Use more, only if you dare,
But watch out,
The gals will all pursue ya,–
They’ll love to put their fingers through your hair.
Bryl-creem, a little dab’ll do ya,
Bryl-creem, you’ll look so debonair.
Bryl-creem, the gals will all pursue ya,
They’ll love to RUN their fingers through your hair.