A Brief History of the Ends of the World

Once upon a time, the world was ending. Planes were going to fall from the sky, nuclear weapons were going to explode in their depositories. Your evening hot chocolate would stop being so sweet, and your morning coffee, so bitter. This end of the world became known as the Y2K bug. Allow me to elaborate.

When they first started making personal computers, they were cheap on memory space, so they only assigned 4 bits to the year. That meant it could only take 16 years – the years from 1984 until 1999. so when it reached December 31st 1999, and hit midnight, it would click back to January 1st 1984. Everybody knew this could have potentially devastating effects such as, having to enter the date manually for your tax records. As for me, considering I was born on January 2nd 1984, I was anticipating a wild ride they don’t have at Disneyland.

As it turned out, nothing happened. No planes dropped out of the sky, no coffee machines burnt any coffee, and I didn’t get born again. Which really would be obvious to anyone who attempted to set their computer’s date to December 31st 1999 and watch it tick over. I did, but apparently it never occurred to anyone in the media.

Let’s talk about Judgement Day. May 21st 2011. The day when everything changed and all of us heathens died… last Saturday.

Harold Camping. Basically, he spreads his gravelly, senile voice over the radio waves, saying that the Day of Judgement. He gets millions of dollars of free promotion from his supporters, all the while accepting donations and acquiring 66 radio stations the way some men his age might collect stamps. Then when the smoke settles, he makes a Dr. Evil “Oops!” face, and rides off into the sunset on top of one of his radio stations. Now I have one word to describe that man, and that word is “businessman”. Or maybe it was “kook”, I can’t read my handwriting.

Next year, the world will end again when the Maya Calendar ends. What’s the big deal? My calendar ends every year, and nothing bad has happened from it yet. Except that New Year’s Eve when I let Sally Struthers suck my weiner. What was I thinking?

Allow me to leave you with a parting thought: In these troublesome times, with the world ending so often, it makes you wonder about the big questions. Such as, “If you only had one day to live, what would you do?” Personally, I thought long and hard about this and the answer is: poop in a pool. So that’s exactly what I did last Saturday.

Rock over London, rock on Melbourne, and a humble thanks for not getting me arrested to the kind staff at Fitzroy community pool.

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