We Have A Regular Poker Game
Every week or so, we have a regular home game at Diefendorf’s or Ruchstashel’s place. Though Dief hasn’t really played much, ever since that night when I made it $6 preflop with seven-deuce. He flopped a pair of kings with top-pair-top-kicker, and I flopped two pair, sevens and deuces. It must have been a $160 pot. Getting beaten and outplayed is one thing, but getting beaten with the hand that has the least playability of all hands in hold ‘em is another. Everyone shipped me a dollar for the side-bet, and Dief went on tilt for a month.
Last night, I went by the Inselligence building in Richmond, to get a lift with Vasily to the game. He’d recruited one of his new salespeople to come to the game. It was 8:00. Our game started at 8:30, and as always, Vasily decided to get in early with the trash-talking.
“Don’t mind this guy – he’s just some fish I picked up. He’ll probably call you to the river with bottom pair.”
“Venizio.”
“Jones.”
“Don’t mind what he says, I think I’ll beat Vasily flat tonight. He’s been talking that shit all day.”
“I’ll bet he has – you hear that Vasily? He’s going to beat you flat.”
“He can beat me flat, and I’ll beat him standing, sitting, or doing a hand-stand. Noob.”
“Hey, be nice to the fish,” I laughed.
We all piled into the car.
“How long have you been playing poker Venizio?”
“About two years. How about you?”
“About a year.”
“Actually I haven’t been playing that long. I play about once a month or so. Maybe once every three months. Really, I hardly play at all. This is my first serious game really, ever. I thought about going and meeting a girl tonight but then I thought nah, I love poker too much.”
“You know what I’m going to do to you tonight?” said Vasily to me. “I’m going to call you all the way to the river with the best hand, and then when I shove, you’ll think it’s a bluff and be forced to call.” He’s making a reference to a hand that cost him $100, when we were playing heads-up. I slowplayed aces, while he kept betting with middle pair. On the river, I made a set, and he made aces-up. I shoved for another $40 into a $145 pot. He tanked, and I made myself look nervous. “You called me all the way with that flush draw didn’t you?” I looked up, looked him straight in the eye, and smiled.
“Hello Jones.”
“Hello Vasily.”
“…I call.”
“You just can’t beat luck,” he said after the hand, and I repeated to him over and over to taunt him. I think he knows deep down that I outplayed him. It sent him on tilt for the rest of the night. It’s a sick game.
“You know what I’m going to do to you tonight?” said Baltrus to Vasily. “I’m going to push a massive hand all-in early on, and you’ll call, thinking it’s a bluff. Then later, when I have air, I’ll do the same move and you’ll have to fold.” Baltrus let out a belly laugh.
“I love these home games,” I laughed.
When we got to Ruch’s place, no one was home. Vasily and Baltrus kicked off the action by doing $20 Omaha flips on the porch.
“What are they playing?” said Venizio.
“They’re playing Omaha, but with only one betting round.”
“So there’s no skill involved then? Why don’t they just play for high card?”
“Of course there’s skill involved,” said Vasily. “You have to squeeze the best. Whoever can squeeze the best cards, wins.”
Baltrus touched his cards lightly to reveal his final hole card, the queen of diamonds. I looked at the board. It made nothing.
“That’s so sick,” said Vasily. I looked his cards. His final card made jack-high, and Baltrus had just squeezed queen-high. Baltrus chuckled.
“So remind me again, how do you play poker?” said Venizio.
“It’s like this,” said Vasily. “If you get four-of-a-kind, you should be really worried about the strength of your hand.”
Baltrus chimed in: “Yeah, and if you suspect your opponent has a full house, you should drop that four-of-a-kind as quick as you can. My four-of-a-kinds always get sucked out on by full books.”
“Then if you have a pair, you should move all-in. If you think someone else at the table has a pair, you’re in big trouble.”
“Yeah, Baltrus and Vasily always get called by a single pair on the river and they go on tilt.” I said.
After half an hour, Ruch arrived and we got down to playing.
One hand, I was in middle position. I limped in on Baltrus’s straddle. He made it $8, Vasily called. I made it $18. Baltrus shoved and I called.
“You got pockets?” said Vasily.
“Yeah, I’ve got something.”
“Jacks then. How many times do you want to run it?”
“Run it once.” Baltrus agreed. Vasily dealt the flop. All diamonds, queen-high. I had the ace of diamonds. When the whole board was run, Baltrus said “You win.” Which probably meant he didn’t hit a single thing. Even if he had ace-high, he’d wait for me to show first before he mucked, just on the off-chance that I had king jack of spades. He probably had three six off-suit or some crap, just playing it in the hopes that he would hit two pair, or that I would fold ace jack off-suit preflop. Or he just wanted to thoroughly establish, once again, and beyond all doubt, his table image. What a sickbox. I showed aces and took the pot.
All through the night Venizio kept receiving texts from this girl.
“I feel like such an asshole because I said I’d meet her tonight. What can I say to her? I don’t like her that much.”
I said “If you don’t like her that much, you don’t even have to reply. Who gives a shit. Girls do that stuff all the time.” A ridiculous rationalisation. I was just trying to get him to shut up so we can play cards.
“Actually, well it’s not that I like her.”
“You seem to be putting a lot of thought into a girl who you don’t want to have sex with,” said Baltrus.
“Well, I do like her. It’s not that I don’t like her.”
“How old is this girl?”
“She’s eighteen this year. And I’m twenty-one this year.”
“Right,” I said. “So she’s seventeen and you’re twenty.”
“Yep.” I was amused that he didn’t seem to see any flaws with the way he’d presented this information.
“I mean, this girl. She’s seventeen and she’s a virgin. And she basically said to me that she wanted me to take her virginity. She’s basically going all-in on the virginity card. And I am folding my dick to her.”
“Sounds like you’re just toying around with the pot.”
“Well… yeah.”
I ground it out for a couple of hours, and picked up $100 or so from a $50 buy-in. Then I lost most of it when Vasily out-played me on the flop.
The game broke up at 1 am. Ruch had lost his second buy-in at around 11:30, and his girlfriend was lying on the couch not feeling so hot. In the end, I was up $10. Vasily was up $400 $540 [Ed: "I was up $540, not $400." "Oh, I'm sorry I missed that vital plot point."] and The Boy Wonder Venizio won $100 or so. Baltrus was stuck $500.
On the last hand, Baltrus had straddled $10. This is a $0.50/$1 game, and that’s a big bet to make before you even know what you’re betting on.
“Why do you have to do that on the last hand of the night?” I whined.
Vasily called, I folded, Venizio folded. Baltrus shoved for $180. Vasily thought about it for about two seconds and called. He had king-ten of clubs. King-high held up.
“I knew when you straddled $10 you were going to shove no matter what. So I figured I was in pretty good shape there.”
“Yeah yeah… nice hand,” said Baltrus. “I can’t believe I run so bad. How do I get so card-dead?”
It was still early. I thought about going to the casino. I bid my fellows “Good game,” and hopped into a taxi straight to Bimbo Deluxe Restaurant and Nightclub.
I walked inside, said hi to a blonde on the stairs, and took a most righteous dump.
“Athlete!” someone called at me while I was drying my hands. It was my friend Theophonus, drunk as I normally see him at the casino. He was there with his friends. I shook his hand and said what’s up. We stood outside the bathroom for a second chatting.
“We’ll just wait here for a second. My girlfriend is in the bathroom.”
“Ah. So that’s why we’re standing outside the girls’ bathroom – it’s not because we’re perverts.”
A blonde wearing black on white polka dots, also waiting by the bathroom, heard me and smiled at me. I fonzied at her.
I went downstairs and met Theophonus’s friends and girlfriend.
I shook hands with Art. “Oh man. I was playing a $70 sit an’ go today… Final table – shoved with kings preflop. He calls with pocket deuces. Two deuces on the flop. How sick is that.”
Oh gosh, another bad beat story. Forgetting to excuse myself, I grabbed the nearest girl and started twirling her. I talked to her for a minute, then she disappeared. Walked back to Theo and the guys.
“Was that your girlfriend you were dancing with before?” said Art.
“No, just some girl I thought needed to dance.”
He laughed. “Brilliant!”
Theo said he was heading off, and said I should hang out with the guys. I sat down with Art on my left, his friend Pinch to his left, and their female friend Aneka to my right. She doesn’t really fit in here, but that’s okay.
I introduced myself to Pinch, and he said:
“You’re gay with Theophonus aren’t you?”
I laughed, heartily.
“You’re Theo’s lover, right?”
I laughed, politely.
“Because you know Theo is gay, don’t you?”
I snorted.
“You’re gay, right?”
“Yeah, I love sucking dick.”
“Whoa, too much information.”
I turned to Art. “Hey Art, why is your friend acting so weird?”
Aneka is sitting there, and he’s trying to act cool in front of her. Welcome to grade two. I’m not mad, but this is the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a while. I ignore him, and talk to Aneka instead.
“Are you gay?” says Aneka.
“Yeah I’m gay. I can be your gay best friend. I can be your girlfriend.”
“Awesome! I need a new gay best friend. I used to have one, but he moved away. I used to jump up on him and wrap my legs around him.”
“Every girl needs a gay best friend. In my hometown, I think there was only one gay man in the entire town, so every girl had to share him. Anyway, the moral of the story is: I’m not gay.”
“Great! We can still be friends though.”
In a few minutes I was getting her phone number.
“Anyway I’m going to go home.”
“Oh okay. I’ll add you on Facebook. Do you have Facebook? I’ll text you. I’ll call you. We can go to the Lower Plenty Hotel and have drinks.”
“Cool. Text me.”
Then I walked home and met a drunk guy who owns a video game company.
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Superr!