Yeah… I’m A Heartbreaker Alright

November 11, 2009

Saturday 31st October.
“You have to get into cuddle position,” I said as I pushed my left leg between her legs.
“Assume the position, ey?” said Siobhan.
“Exactly.”
It was the second time I’d seen her and we were lying on my bed watching a movie. I kissed her neck.
“Jesus is my homeboy,” she said.
Maybe she was serious [...]

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Faith

November 10, 2009

“Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions?”
“…Sure, I guess I have time.”
“Have you heard the word of Jesus lately?”
“Yes, I’ve heard it. I don’t think it’s changed since last time.”
“My name is Brad.”
“Jones.”
“Tell me, have you ever lied, Jones?”
“Well, yes.”
“What does that make you?”
“I suppose that makes me a liar.”
“Lying is a [...]

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Best. Wingman. Ever.

November 5, 2009

“So, it started at Transport and it ends at Transport,” Aster said as he handed me a pot. He put down his pint and handed me some change. “I thought I’d get you a pot since you don’t like to drink so much.”
Eighteen months ago, I was in the middle of Transport bar, [...]

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Sexpo ‘08. More like Shitheap ‘08.

October 28, 2009

“I’m so wrecked. What time does the tram come?”
“7:05.”
“What time is it now?”
“6:20.”
Age and I had just left Pony about twenty minutes ago, and been wandering around in the painful daylight. A tram passed by going the opposite direction.
“Did you see that?” I asked, inquisitively.
“Huh?” inquired Age, despondently.
“The ad on the tram. [...]

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The Australian Idol Experience Part 1

October 23, 2009

There’s an old rule that says you shouldn’t discuss politics or religion unless you want to get into an argument. I had to put a new rule on myself that said I should never discuss Australian Idol. Everyone is a fucking expert.
At the time I thought I was really going to get on [...]

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Solo Transport Timez And Defecation During Labour

October 18, 2009

Last night I went out to Transport. I accosted some a girl as she walked past.
“Hi!” I said, as if I knew her, a habit from my days of promoting charities in shopping centres.
“Hey!” she responded, in a European accent.
“I’m Jones.”
“Anya. I can’t shake your hand because mine are wet.”
“Wow, you’re gross… You’re [...]

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Conversation About Getting A Handjob From A Qualified Physician

October 16, 2009

aDDrian says:
its like telling feminists that women’s cerebral cortex has been scientifically proven to  be smaller than mens
shit’s hilarious
Kurt says:
well it’s true, women’s brains are smaller than men’s
aDDrian says:
yup
they’ll debate it, but it’s hilarious
Kurt says:
man
you know that story i wrote about going to the std clinic
and the [...]

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Fucked Up Dreams And The Art Of Playing Poker Donkeys

October 11, 2009

I had this dream last night where a male acquaintance of mine was taunting me in conversation. Then he went to grab my dick. I said “What the fuck man? Why would you do that? That’s messed up.” Then I thought, “What do you mean it’s messed up? It’s your [...]

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