Hey guys, we’re going to change things up a little here with a podcast of me and Luke discussing important topics such as: dating girls, meeting girls, sleeping with girls, politics, rockstars, what it’s like to be the proud owner of the most beautiful penis in the planet, and other stuff.

Listen here:

Or download it here (29 MB).

The transcript follows.

KR: Welcome to the Trouble In A Bubble podcast. My name is Kurt Robinson, writer of trouble in a bubble with my long time collaborator, Luke “Danger” “Killingsworth” Petersen.

LP: (laughs) How did we come up with that one? Danger Killingsworth

KR: (laughs) Danger is my middle name.

LP: If you read any of his stories you’ll probably see Killingsworth – that’s me. Listen, you know how you see in a garden a baby peeing in a fountain. What if you had a massive black guy with a big dick? Big fucking massive concrete dude taking a piss into a chick’s mouth. Can that be allowed? Just thinking, little fucking cherub doing a piss. Can you have a black guy doing a piss?

KR: On the cherub’s head.

LP: Say you take your local postman. You look at his face, get a mold of his head, his body, do a big concrete mailman, a naked concrete mailman. Or your neighbour next door, you’ve got a mold of him out the front peeing on his girlfriend. Just a random thought.

KR: Right, and who’s gonna stop you.

LP: Did I tell you? I think I did, speaking about tangents.

KR: Go on, tell the story.

LP: This girl, she was talking, staring at the wall as she does. She can’t make eye contact which is weird.

KR: But you can’t either. Glass houses.

LP: I look at people’s mouths. She looks at the fucking wall. I keep clicking at her like oy oy.

KR: Eyes up here baby.

LP: Like i’ve got tits or something.

KR: Staring at your balls, dead eye stare.

LP: I said “Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent.” She’s like “What’s a tangent? You’re saying too many big words!”

KR: It’s two fucking syllables.

LP: No buttfucking shit.

KR: “Buttfucking” is a longer word. Oops, I’m going off on a buttfucking!

LP: (laughs)

KR: Whoa, slow down egghead.

LP: Yeah (laughs) You know the simpsons, that episode with heart surgery. The doctor says to Homer “I’m gonna open you up and tinker with your ticker.” He says “Spare me the mumbo jumbo.” It was like I had to dumb down myself to the point of a bogan to talk to her. All she asks me about now is gym stuff, cos she’s gym obsessed

KR: Doing those uhh… boob exercises.

LP: She has got massive boobs.

KR: The pec deck.

LP: Yeah the pec deck. That’s a really horrible machine, I hate the feeling of using it.

KR: I love it. Need to get back into it.

LP: That reminds me, who do you think has got the best singing voice that you know?

KR: I don’t know.

LP: A famous person. You’d usually say me because I’ve got a really beautiful voice.

KR: Sure, you’re up there.

LP: Just thinking the other day, imagine Jeff Buckley passing a kidney stone. Sings. Or imagine Kurt Cobain, with stomach ulcers. That gravelly voice, I’d pay money for that.

KR: “Live in concert – from the medical theatre”

LP: Kurt Cobain up there in his hospital bed, writhing in agony playing power chords.

KR: Under local anaesthetic.

LP: I heard he had a heroin overdose one night, right before he was going on stage. He got given the drug.

KR: Adrenalin?

LP: Nah, I think it starts with an N. Turns off your opium receptors. And he just got up and did the concert. I think that’s insane. I think that’s the one where he was wearing a dress and down to 50 kg. He was a mess, he was a genius though. It’s usually the geniuses who are a bit eccentric

KR: Yeah, they don’t think like regular people.

LP: No, not really. Do you know any life coaches?

KR: I dunno, sometimes I tell people Alex is my life coach, or I used to after my bootcamp.

LP: You could just pretend. It’s like I make fun of architects – draw a house on a bit of paper and you’re an architect. A life coach just tells people do, you could be a self qualified life coach.

KR: You could, but whether people would listen to you is another thing.

LP: You just have to be all dynamic and shit and say “What are you unhappy with!? Write it down!” you know. “Go and do stuff!” Quite easy.

KR: But people aren’t going to trust you, unless they belive you have it going on. But that’s like Mystery, the pick up artist. When he first started and people were listening to him, and I don’t think he understood anything about women except a couple of tricks.

LP: Magic tricks.

KR: I don’t mean just magic tricks but that was a part of it – you know, dressing like a fucking weirdo.

LP: Peacocking.

KR: “Transition into comfort phase!”

LP: I read his crap and it’s like reading an NFL playbook

KR: (laughs) The Xs and Os

LP: Yeah, you’ve gotta approach from this angle, say this and do this, and if you don’t do this you’ve got to counter-act it. It’s like some extreme playstation game. You’ve gotta observe all their body language. The thing is, it’s not that hard, it’s not like that, it’s not real. It can work for someone. His students – I doubt he sits down with them and goes through battle plans, he just pushes them in there.

KR: Apparently he still does go through the battle plans, but what he teaches is very different to what he does. He might actually be quite good – well, he probably is.

LP: He’s known too. He’s known! They say that’s Mystery the pick up dude, he’s 6’5” and got a big hat.

KR: He’s got that bullshit reality TV show. I read a report – the guy ran into one of the students from the TV show. He said “Great to see you out tonight Mathew” or whatever his name was, “Let’s do some sets, I’ll be your wingman for tonight.” The guy said “Aw nah, I’m just going to sit here and wait for women to approach me.” He’s like “Ah… good luck with that dude.”

LP: I’ve actually got a friend Ben. He’s into, he likes the whole idea of that stuff. He’s a good wingman and stuff, but it’s not what I want to do when I go out. I just want to talk to people normally. He says “You’re not taking advantage of blah blah,” and I’m like “I don’t give a fuck!” His friend Rod is so much into it. I’m like holy hell, I want to go home! The thing is, you know when someone likes you and you like them, and the chemistry just flows from there. Sometimes you have to spit more bullshit than an animal psychiatrist, but I mean it works.

KR: What? You tell girls you’re an animal psychiatrist.

LP: I mean you spew more bullshit than an animal psychiatrist.

KR: Like you in the club as that animal trainer Cesar, (latin accent) “You’ve got to get their attention, then chop them in the neck, this is how you get a girl to understand you are the alpha male.”

LP: (laughs) That’s just ridiculous. Say i’m coming to melbourne some time soon, and I don’t want to do that stuff. If i’m going to talk to girls and stuff, I just want to talk to them like human beings. It’s not like a strategy, we’re not playing Hero’s Quest.

KR: That’s the thing, when a nerd gets ito this stuff, they can’t really understand the complexity of human interaction. So they create a simplified model, which is the Mystery Method, and say “oh well this makes sense, this puts it in a way that I can understand how I can get women.” Then when they go out, they do it with confidence, and the confidence attracts women, if they’re good enough. That’s how Tyler Derden talks about when a person with high status tells you to do something and you do it, because you believe it. That’s the thing about meeting women, it’s a placebo kind of thing.

LP: Yeah. Though, everyone has their own qualities. I guess one thing that annoys me the most is when Ben tells me the only I’ve got going for me is my looks and that bothers me a bit. Because, looks fade, and it’s not as if I don’t have a personality to carry it. I’m just loud and sutff like he is.

KR: He’s seeing it very superficially. He’s that critical thinker type; he doesn’t understand the complexity and realness of human interaction, so he rationalises it saying “oh, it’s just because he’s good looking,” but that’s not the truth.

LP: He says you get better looking girl because you’re better looking. It’s not true because I see some really ugly dudes with really hot chicks. I get some pretty hot girlfriends. I mean, it does have something to do with how I look.

KR: Yeah, it doesn’t hurt.

LP: It’s also about conversations.

KR: It’s also not walking up and telling a story about Bugsy the Rabbit or “My friend has these two dogs.” That kind of bullshit they do, those routines

LP: Yeah, it’s ridiculous. I don’t have much money, which can matter. I’m going to university – I’m not sure if that adds status or whatever, and I’m a musician, that’s something I don’t really talk about.

KR: yeah

LP: I made a joke, I don’t just have my looks going for me, I can play guitar.

KR: then you pulled out your guitar and played six face melting solos, all at once.

LP: It’s not like at a club you can pull out an electric guitar, even say I’ve got videos of me playing guitar on my phone – that’s not really something I can pull out at a club and be like: “Check out this bend I can do! Isn’t that a wicked pinch harmonic!” You’d look like the biggest dick ever. Then the next picture you turn to is your dick, then you would look like the biggest fucking dick ever.

KR: (laughs)

LP: A female friend was saying some guy was pursuing her and stuff and he was doing okay, then he sent a dick pic. And I’m like what the fuck – what is the deal with this dick pics?

KR: How long had they known each other?

LP: I don’t know, I guess she’d just broken up with her boyfriend and they were seeing other guys.

KR: Seeing other guys’ penises!

LP: She’s like the dick pic! It was hilarious.

LP: I usually say shit like I don’t want to show dick pics because if they show friends they’ll bumrush my crib.

KR: Yeahhh… you have to be careful – with great power comes great responsibility.

LP: I made fun of – if this sounds wrong recorded just take it out.

KR: (laughs) Alright, this is the good stuff.

LP: My ex-girlfriend said I had the best penis, best penis she’d ever seen.

KR: The best looking penis-less penis?

LP: She said it was the best looking dick, the best size and all that crap. The thing is though – I don’t know if I’d want that recorded because it sounds really fucking weird.

KR: Nah nah, come on let’s be real. Girls say that stuff.

LP: The thing is, I started joking, saying had a condition called SBD – Super beautiful Dick.

KR: (laughs)

LP: I have to wear special glasses because I cannot look directly at my penis it’s just so beautiful.

KR: (laughs)

LP: I can take a joke a bit too far.

KR: Saying it to your brother’s girlfriend is taking it too far.

LP: This is probably why she broke up with me. I get annoying. But the whole super beautiful penis thing was, yeah, it was pretty funny.

KR: (laughs) So you started putting up pin ups on your walls. The swimsuit edition!

LP: You do them up, take the dick pics and gloss them over, put effects in Photoshop.

KR: But you have to dress up, wear sexy lingerie, crotchless panties and take the photos like that.

LP: You’re modifying your cock putting on sweat beads. The most beautiful dick ever.

KR: When it’s a girl’s birthday you give her the best present ever – you put a bow on your dick. Happy birthday bitch!

LP: (laughs) I gotta ask this. What’s the deal with parents that put bows on their baby girls heads? They just look sick.

KR: Like it’s a bandage.

LP: It looks retarded. Sorry, why am I thinking of a bald baby girls head after thinking about a beautiful penis.

KR: Yeah, doesn’t even compare right?

LP: Yeah, the beauty of a baby girl does not compare to my beautiful penis! I even got her the prescription for the glasses but she dumped me before I could give them to her. Fuck, it’s terrible! You’ve got to think – this will humble you – the universe is about 50 billion light years across, contains 300 sextillion stars. That should put it into perspective that you have a really really really small fucking dick.

KR: I thought you were going to say that should put it into perspective what a miracle it is that such a beautiful dick had been created.

LP: I guess that could, you could… no.

KR: (laughs)

LP: If someone talks about their dick, talk about how big the universe is and go into a non sequitur. I gotta be honest, I argue with these creationists online a lot, you know that.

KR: Yep.

LP: Yhey’re – okay, they’re not retarded. Most of them are American, mainly Texan.

KR: No doubt.

LP: Basically there is no practical application or science to creationism. It’s basically abracadabra, here’s an animal.

KR: Right, it’s just a fable, and I don’t know how people blow it out of proportion to think it’s somehow literal, its obviously just a story that rabbis told to make a point about how great God is or the subservience of women or something like this.

LP: It’s sort of showing how primitive thousands of years ago – how primitive the minds were as in making up these origin stories. A lot of cultures have these creation myths, and they’re trying to push it into classrooms, and you know there are more creationists in America than there are people who actually accept evolution. I’m not fucking with you – this is fucking serious.

KR: Yeah…

LP: And some of the people I talk to, I say have you ever studied a single biology class? Because I studied like 6 months. I’ll say something like your bangtube is between your slamhole and your sex-pea-ball, something like that. That’s about how good your science is.

KR: (laughs)

LP: You can’t talk to them like they’re adults. I guess we were just talking about super beautiful penises and the size of the universe creating such a beautiful tiny penis

KR: Sure, purely for our own amusement though, it’s not something we’re going to push into classrooms and tell children they must learn it.

LP: Maybe, it could be. My brother is a primary school teacher.

KR: I mean, it is pretty important.

LP: Yeah, it is pretty important that people know how beautiful my dick is. But, i’m not going to shove it down the mouths of children.

KR: There’s a time and a place. When they turn sixteen.

LP: (laughs) Yeah. And why is it it’s socially acceptable for women to put their breasts in an infant’s mouth in public, but not for me to do the same with my penis?

KR: (laughs) The other thing you’re saying about creationists in america, I don’t really like saying this because it sounds kind of bigoted, but I am very worried about the intelligence of people in the United States. Thinking the other day, I thought they were actually becoming stupider. Reading some stuff I’m not sure if that’s true. We’ve got, in past years, George Bush, and everybody says dumbest president ever. But looking back you have Gerald Ford, you recognise him from the Simpsons because they portray him looking just like Homer. Then there’s Nixon, bold faced liar who ripped everyone off.

LP: You know I actually like JFK.

KR: JFK, yes. Absolutely.

LP: I did a report on him for my year 12 final exam, I had one of the highest scores in the state for that. I loved it, I loved reading about it. He was actually going through chronic pains, he was sleeping around a fair bit, but he got shit done. And you have no idea how much pain this guy was in.

KR: What was wrong with him, he had syphilis, what?

LP: He had a conidition, he had Addison’s disease, he also had crushed discs and vertebrae in his lower back from an army injury, from jumping out of a submarine or something.

KR: You look at the footage and his head doesn’t move backwards, that’s because he’s wearing a brace to keep his head in place.

LP: A corset, to hold his back up because it was that bad. Two or three weeks he’d be on his back, doing work. He liked to watch movies, he was a movie buff. Womaniser – not exactly womaniser, but very, Don Draper – you could say he’s like that.

KR: Philanderer.

LP: It was the golden years, and when Kennedy died the whole country mourned.

KR: Nobody knew he was sleeping around at the time.

LP: Sure, but it doesn’t matter. Bill Clinton, I like that guy

KR: Yeah, but it makes me wonder too, because Hilary Clinton, not sure if it’s the way she’s been portrayed, but she has all these sneaky agendas. Not sure if that’s a media thing or if that’s what she’s actually about.

LP: I know what you mean, she seems so much different to Bill. Another one is, Christians I talk to hate Barack Obama. The thing is, he walked into a shit storm, he had to clean up the mess from what happened in W Bush’s administration. I don’t know how he can . The best thing he’s done is the killshot for Osama. People hate his health reform. I don’t know why.

KR: Yeah, that’s right. Everybody is still so scared of communism. “President obama is trying to turn this into a socialist nation!” I say no, he’s actually trying to bring you into the 20^th century, because every civilised country has some sort of health care. In Switzerland it’s compulsory to pay $80 for private health cover. In Australia we have public health care, in the UK, everywhere.

LP: We’ve got Medicare. Centrelink is a lot more than what Americans would get when they don’t have work. It’s just so different.

KR: Shit man, it’s scary, the minimum wage there. I was in Los Angeles I met this stoner, skater dude -

LP: You say Los Angeles like a Spanish person.

KR: Yeah, all those Spanish lessons paid off.

LP: You picked that up from the South Americans.

KR: Yeah, that’s how it’s meant to be pronounced if you speak Spanish. So this dude on the Metro in Los Angeles, he’s like “yeah man, I get paid pretty good, like $12 an hour, it’s not bad.” This 18, 19 year old kid, $12 an hour and thinks it’s a good wage.

LP: Isn’t that a maccas wage for a 15 year old here?

KR: Yeah. But the value of the dollar is a complex thing.

LP: what is the value of the Australian dollar

KR: Right now it’s about a buck five, a buck and a nickel. The thing is, in the us you can buy food for a lot cheaper.

LP: Give me an example, like MacDonalds.

KR: The Big Mac is actually on par at the moment, but going in there you have a dollar menu. We don’t have a dollar menu here, you can’t buy shit for a dollar, maybe a bag of cookies. You can buy a whole meal for like $2

LP: And you’re full?

KR: Well probably not, but you can get food for acouple of bucks, so it’s different. The other day I was watching Pulp Fiction, and John Travolta says it’s a shake, a five dollar shake – they don’t put bourbon in it or nothing? What, a shake for five dollars, that’s normal, that’s what you pay at a café.

LP: That was made in 1994.

KR: Yeah, but even so.

LP: One of my favourite parts in that movie is when they’re waving that gun, and shoot that guy in the face, that was funny as. Call me twisted, but that was hilarious

KR: When Vincent Vega accidentally shoots the guy in the car.

LP: Yeah, I thought that was hilarious.

KR: “What do you mean you don’t have an opinion?” (gunshot sound)

LP: I watched that movie when I was about 12. The part that disturbed me the most was the gay rape. I thought, why do my parents let me watch this stuff?

KR: (laughs)

LP: I remember liking it though, and understanding it.

KR: You didn’t think too deeply about the gay sex doing to your delicate 12 year old psyche.

LP: I’ve held it in for so long, yeah.

KR: Time to let it out! Okay gentlemen, bend over!

LP: I told you, was I talking to you about the kinsey scale?

KR: Oh yeah, we were talking about that the other day. So 1 is you’re completely straight and five is you’re homosexual.

LP: My ex-girlfriend said she was completely heterosexual which I believed. Ben said he was completely straight. I won’t comment.

KR: (laughs) No comment about you, or no comment about Ben?

LP: About Ben. You can tell when a guy’s attractive. I think there would be a grey area. I know guys that confess they are closer to being gay but still only want to date women.

KR: Yeah, who really wants to fuck a guy in the arse? Not me.

LP: Yeah, the whole concept is kinda gross. I have a friend who tried it. I dunno why, I guess curiosity. The thing is, he’s got 4 kids and stuff and he’s dating a woman. It’s got such a stigma for dudes, but for women, when they’re fifteen they go through this phase, date a girl and fingerbang each other for a month.

KR: You know what a lot of people don’t realise, and it just disappeared really. You go back to the seventies and sixties. You know when David Bowie was really popular, he made that quote, “I’m gay, okay? I always was, I always will be.” He later said “that was the greatest thing i’ve ever said.” Nowadays, he’s not that gay. Gay had a different meaning back then, it meant bisexual or that you were willing to experiment with guys, it meant something a little different.

LP: It’s totally gay now.

KR: Sure if you say “gay”, it means completely homosexual.

LP: Nowadays gay means lame or crap. I guess it’s a meme. Is that what you’d call it?

KR: Yeah, yeah.

LP: You’ve studied linguistics. Is it “dialectic evolution”?

KR: We never used that term, but yes, that’s pretty much what it is.

LP: People try to introduce new terms all the time. I’m just wondering, who coins these phrases? And who coined the phrase “coin the phrase”?

KR: Yeah “How do you turn a phrase?”

LP: That’s off family guy. One of the ones I like the most, I like the cut of your jib. I don’t even know what that fucking means.

KR: Yeah, that’s a pretty good one.

KR: Welcome back.

LP: My mum was talking to me the other day. I swear, in my head, she was doing a dead on imitation of a magpie. Like rwah rwah rwah. I don’t know why, whenever she talked it was going on in my head. So I responded back going rwah rwah. When someone just annoys you so much, their voice just takes on this tone. Or even Charlie Brown the teacher just talks like a horn woba wooba woba. I live with her so you sort of get annoyed with someone. You live with housemates, what’s their sorta… what’s their problem?

KR: (laughs) What’s their modus operandi?

LP: You got any dirt on them.

KR: Not really… I got the door closed, I hope they don’t hear me.

LP: They might listen to your podcast.

KR: There’s nothing really. There’s Tyler, my housemate, Canadian, he’s a kinesiologist.

LP: Oh Canadian. One thing – I’m just wondering, how do people go to their job, get paid, and then go buy a Nickelback album. I don’t know how they can they do it.

KR: What?? (laughs) Like blow a whole hour’s work on buying a Nickelback album.

LP: Yep.

KR: Wow… Somebody is doing it.

LP: Yeah I just don’t understand it, it’s alien to me. Okay, I’ve got an interesting idea. What about a puzzle, that you can eat?

KR: That’s not a bad idea.

LP: Made of bubble gum or something, a bit denser that a normal puzzle. A big puzzle of a giraffe or something, made out of chewing gum, I think that would be fucking cool.

KR: (snickers) Yeah, yeah. So it’s like the shape of a giraffe, it’s not pritned with a picture of a giraffe.

LP: No, it’s printed. I was just looking at something that reminded me of Africa, just thinking giraffes and lions and stuff for children. This is just something I think could be done. Patent pending.

KR: Alright, let’s do it.

LP: How do you do something like that?

KR: I have no idea, you approach a confectionery company, or start your own confectionery company.

LP: We won’t do it.

KR: Probably not, not tomorrow anyway. There’s plenty of time though.

LP: We’ll talk about it in six months about how we didn’t do it and we should have

KR: It’ll be a huge fad, the next hoola hoop or something. “Hey kids! Why don’t you buy this bubble gum giraffe?! It’s bubble gum, it’s a puzzle – it’s Puzzle Gum!”

LP: You’d make it grape flavoured and stuff like that.

KR: giraffe flavoured, giraffe jerky flavoured

LP: (laughs) Ham flavoured. It’s a ham puzzle. That would look like genitals or something, not sure that would work.

KR: What about chocolate with bacon bits?

LP: Hey, that’s alright. I’m just picturing the ham puzzle, it’s like a body world exhibit.

KR: (laughs)

LP: Hey are you into the Harry Potter movies.

KR: Nah. I’ve never – I’ve seen like ten minutes of one. It’s funny, this girl messaged me yesterday, I asked her out, she’s like ah I can’t go, I’m seeing the new Harry Potter movie after midnight.

LP: I’ll want to see it, I do, but not after midnight, fuck that.

KR: Hell no.

LP: I was just thinking, Ralph Fiennes, the guy who plays the one who shouldn’t be mentioned or whatever – Valdemort.

KR: Ahh you said it!

LP: I know. But he doesn’t have a nose.

KR: Really…

LP: Yeah, he got his nose removed for the part

KR: What?

LP: Yeah, yeah, ralph fiennes got his nose removed for the part.

KR: What, it’s sitting in a jar of formaldehyde somewhere, and he’ll put it back on after the movie.

LP: Yep

KR: No, no way. How is that possible?

LP: If you believe that, you’re retarded

KR: (laughs) They do it with special effects and shit

LP: Yes, yes Kurt. They have the money for that.

KR: (laughs) But they also have the money to remove ralph fiennes nose

LP: They get a computer and morph his face into a noseless guys. Sorry to trick you like that.

KR: You didn’t, I said I couldn’t believe it, though I was considering it.

LP: That got me thinking, what does formaldehyde smell like? I guess ralph fiennes would know that. Have you seen Adrian Brody’s nose? The guy off The Pianist or the Darjeeling Limited. He’s got a big fucking nose, looks like a giant pterodactyl.

KR: You had that joke about that – an eskimo kiss with Adrian Brody is the closest thing to coming eye to eye with a pterodactyl.

LP: He has a pterodactyl nose. It just looks weird. I don’t know how he gets work with that nose.

KR: He must have Mickey Rourke’s agent.

LP: I told you, go watch The Wrestler. Pick it up from your local video shop.

KR: (laughs) Yeah right, what are we, living in the nineties. Sure, i’ll just go to the store and buy it on Betamax.

LP: Oh Kurt, the other day some chick asked me to put a condom on and I said what is this, 1989?

KR: (laughs)

LP: The AIDS outbreak. I have no idea if people are going to get that joke. Anyway, I tried doing sit ups today.

KR: How far did you get?

LP: It was painful, more painful than passing a kidney stone. Seriously, dont do sit ups.

KR: Why not?

LP: Because they hurt.

KR: What about crunches?

LP: I think the best ab workout you can do, is probably laughing.

KR: Is that professional advice?

LP: No.

KR: From a personal trainer.

LP: I am a personal trainer. Okay we’ll go technical, the best ab exercises are ab crunches using a machine then leg lifts just jumping up and lifting your leg lifts, but your core gets built doing squats and stuff anyway because you’ve got 100 kilos sitting on your shoulders. But you get really good abs just having sex and laughing.

KR: Alright… So we’re gonna release your stand up comedy act and it’s going to be medicinally approved by the World Health Organisation.

LP: Have you ever thought of doing stand up comedy?

KR: Yeah, i’ve thought about it. I’ve never got around to doing it. I kind of chickened out I guess because there’s open mics around here, I could have gone to but I never did. I should do a course, they have those 6 week courses and at the end you have a little bit

LP: Just to get your confidence. I think if you’re going to make up a joke – you can get up there and talk, I probably wouldn’t have much planned – but i’d just be worried that people would not get my sense of humour.

KR: Yeah, but who cares? Well I say that but obviously I care – I haven’t done it.

LP: Imagine if no one’s laughing, you say something and there’s that one guy who’s a philosophy major up the back, you make a joke about socrates and he laughs “Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

KR: (laughs) Riveting tale chap!

LP: Everyone else is like, get the guy on here that talks about assholes.

KR: But that’s you!

LP: I know.

KR: Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

LP: I guess I would try to get vagina and penis and buttholes into every fucking joke.

KR: Even the philosophical ones.

LP: Yeah, I’d talk about philosophy, then i’d turn around, pull down my pants, bedazzle my b-hole with red white and blue gems, so it’d be patriotic.

KR: (laughs) Oh yeah, I get where you’re coming from.

LP: Like carrot top with his gimmicks. Cram them up my asshole, and I’d rip the fucking hair out to so it’d be like a treasure hunt.

KR: (laughs) Then you invite one lucky contestant to come on up, and catch those gems. “If you catch a gem, you can keep it, young lady!”

LP: Whenever you see a guy driving around without a shirt on in a ute, wearing sunglasses, do you ever think he’s a drug dealer? Or he’s about to stab someone?

KR: I don’t – I live in melbourne man, I don’t really see that. There’s no utes near the city.

LP: Okay, what if they have a full sized band-aid on their face?

KR: What, like Nelly?

LP: Yeah.

KR: It’s cos their brother’s in jail or something. Solidarity for my brother, locked up.

LP: Is there any particular types of meat that can make you good at certain topics at school? Like mathematics, chemistry or anything.

KR: Fish oil… they say omega 3 is good for the memory.

LP: What about, say, elephant meat makes you really really good at geography.

KR: (laughs) This is like our diet plan for the 21^st century “Diet plan for the 21^st and a half century!”

LP: What are you copying, is that Heman or something?

KR: Duck Dodgers – 21^st and a halfth! Daffy Duck, but they were actually taking off Buck Rodgers, the sci fi.

LP: Wasn’t that show racist?

KR: What, Buck Rodgers? I don’t know, I know Bugs Bunny would always make cracks like, what a Maroon. I thought maroon, like the cookie? No, that’s a macaroon.

LP: Like the colour.

KR: Yeah, except that’s not what he means. It’s a country… I can’t remember where they’re from, but i’ts a black man from a certain region. What a Maroon, like “what a stupid nigger”, is more or less what he was saying.

LP: I remember my nan saying at my brother’s wedding, “in the family, there’s always a nigger in the woodpile.” Old people are so fucking racist, I just laughed so much.

KR: What could you do, what if you took a shit in a casino or blasted a fart on a security guard – what would happen to you? Is that illegal? And you said, it depends how much money is riding on it. Five hundred grand up, they’d be smiling if you took a dump on the floor, they’d proudly pull it up. “Sir, i’ll show you to your suite.” Wait, wait, I’ve had too much at the buffet and I’ve had a shitload of grog, I’ve just got to take a dump. You’ve got two girls standing next to you. But yeah, if you’re a dude in there playing in the pokies and you just walk up and take a dump, you’ll get kicked out.

KR: Yeah, yeah.

LP: What if a cop farted on you?

KR: Deliberately?

LP: What could you do?

KR: “Excuse me sir, I believe you have farted on me.” You can’t really do anything.

LP: He’d probably just smile at you. He might wink at you.

KR: “Hey son.”

LP: Have you seen the movie Crash? The cop fingers that chick, the black chick, he has to save her afterward from a flaming car.

KR: No… what? What is this?

LP: There’s a movie called Crash, it won the academy award for best movie.

KR: Best fingering scene.

LP: There’s a scene where the cop pulls over a black guy and his black wife, he’s pretty mean to them and just starts feeling her up and fingering her, just standing there. Now whenever someone mentions, “I’m going to go on a crash diet,” I just think, okay so you’re going to get fingered by a cop and not feel like eating. Anyway, I thought you’d seen that movie. I also recommended you another movie, Towelhead. You watched Towelhead didn’t you?

KR: Yeah.

LP: And how I said I was very strangely attracted to this young girl, who turned out to be 19 or 20 at the time, who plays a 14 year old who fucks everyone.

KR: yeah, yeah, pretty hot.

LP: It was quite disturbing, she’s kinda gorgeous. She’s been in other movies and stuff. Turns out she’s just young looking. I actually like that movie. I like movies that are controversial and a bit different

KR: Yeah, but, it’s a coming of age story for a girl. Do you relate to her, or what? What the fuck do you… it was pretty interesting. It was kind of weird how the neighbour who had sex with her, when he was going away to prison. He said “Don’t think this is your fault,” but you’d expect to him to be like “This is your fucking fault bitch.”

LP: It was quite, odd. I don’t know how he could have done that to a 14 year old girl. It baffles me. She was an attractive young woman, but I wouldn’t do that. You joke about the girls I date and stuff, but they’re like -

KR: Twelve.

LP: (laughs) They’re not twelve, they’re 20. When was the last time you fucked a twenty year old?

KR: I don’t remember the last time I even had sex. A twenty year old… no, I definitely haven’t fucked a twenty year old lately.

LP: The thing is, I just look young. I don’t look my age. Younger girls are just attracted to me. As I said, I don’t do much to pursue them, like with that blonde-headed bimbo, I don’t do much, they just happen to want to hang out and shit. I find younger girls a lot more fun to hang out with. I don’t know why. They’re so much more interesting.

KR: When you say interesting, you don’t mean in an intellectual sense, do you. You mean something else.

LP: Yep very much so, more like having fun, just fucking around, it’s just fun. With intellectual stuff, I just, i’ll go to uni.

KR: I can’t remember who said it, but it was a quote: “I don’t need a woman to satisfy me intellectually. I don’t need a partner to complete me and engage me on so many levels – I have my male friends for that.”

LP: If the girl is too stupid or whatever, I’m just turned off. I’m not completely turned off but I can’t see her being a partner. But if a girl is artistic and they have good conversation skills and stuff – it surprises me actually, how smart some girls are. I don’t know why, but it does. Girls can compeltely outsmart me, and it shocks me a bit. I’m not used to that.

KR: (laughs) Which girl outsmarted you? What happened?

LP: Oh, plenty. It’s not in regards to logic and philosophical thinking and stuff like that, it’s mind games. Mind games, they can completely outsmart me, and I don’t see it coming, and it just turns me into a blubbering idiot. If that’s the wrong way of saying it, “outsmarting”…

KR: I know what you mean, like in a battle of wits.

LP: More like, I guess you could call it “relationship warefare”.

KR: Not a term you should use too often.

LP: Games and stuff you play mentally with women.

KR: “She sent a text to me to break up with me… Brilliant! How could I not think of that!”

LP: Not just talking about her, I’m talking about some other girls as well. She was sitting there talking, we’re having a deep and meaningful. I just decided to lick the side of her face. Then whenever she’d start talking, “I apologise for making this…” and i’d be like (mocking falsetto tone) “I apologise for making this.”

KR: Ha what??

LP: You know how you repeat what a person says to annoy the fuck out of them.

KR: Oh right. (mocking tone) “I don’t sound like that”

LP: Yeah, you just keep going until they leave, and it just lets you know that you’ve really annoyed the fuck out of them. It’s awesome.

KR: (laughs) Right, so relationship advice we’ve got…

LP: I’ll give people some relationship advice.

KR: Will ya? What have you got for us?

LP: People out there, if you’re thinking of contacting an ex, like texting or calling, instead, stick your finger up your asshole and masturbate. You’ll feel fucking better, go have a nap and you’ll be fine.

KR: (laughs)

LP: I’m pretty much a sex wizard. The advice I give is world-class.

KR: (laughs) Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Finger up butthole. I need to write that down.

LP: Get your finger up your butthole and mastrubate instead.

KR: Since this is sex-wizardry, you don’t have to sprog in a cup and drink it later, as part of a magical spell.

LP: Well that depends. If you’ve adult braces… I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I don’t know.

KR: (laughs) Where did that come from? Brilliant.

LP: Just thinking about Tom Cruise with his adult braces.

KR: Okay, good old Tom.

LP: Could you imagine him just going to a prostitute and saying “Piss on me.”

KR: My friend Age was telling me a few weeks ago, he was thinking about moving in with this girl, a friend of a friend of his. They wanted to live in the same place. The thing was, this girl was a call girl. I say a call girl, I mean she was a fucking prostitute. She was a whore. She works in a brothel. A lot of the time she’d have to sign confidentiality agreements because famous footballers would come in and have sex with her. My friend would be like, I don’t understand, this girl is 120 kg, physically I do not find her attractive at all.

LP: You would though.

KR: Maybe – not ruling it out. The way he described it, she was just not attractive. He said he found her physically repulsive, which he felt bad saying to me, because she was actually a very genuine, very nice, caring person. She’d tell people, “hey don’t smoke around Age because he’s quit smoking so have some respect.” She’s sitting there, later on, she’s like “You don’t mind if I smoke right?” He’s like “Nah nah go ahead.” She pulls out a crack pipe and nails it.

LP: God. I thought people on crack were like skinny.

KR: I say it was crack, it was probably methamphetamine, but even so the stereotype still applies.

LP: The fucked up thing is, a guy says his dick is big, you say he must have a small dick. If a guy says he’s got a small dick all the time, people will think he’s got a small dick. So you can’t really say anything.

KR: (laughs)

LP: But girls tell me I’ve got a big dick. Even if they don’t have to, like months after we’ve shagged, they say you’re a pretty good fuck or whatever. They never said “you’ve got a tiny cock” and all this crap – hasn’t happened. I’m sure I’ve got a pretty decent dick

KR: A pretty good sized double-fister.

LP: Yeah, the most beautiful penis in the universe.

KR: (sings a high note as if from a hymn) I just picture the painting “Birth of Venus”, and it’s got a penis coming out of a clam with the cherubim.

LP: Speaking of Venus, you know Uranus has 600 miles per hour winds?

KR: Really?

LP: And so does mine.

KR: Ahh! (laughs)

LP: Ahh! Oh yeah, we were talking about my dick and how awesome it is.

KR: You were saying we need a theme for this podcast, I guess that’s it.

LP: Just call it “Luke’s Beautiful Penis”.

LP: I don’t know how I fit into this, you could be doing the Penis Monologues.

LP: I could be. I think I have dominated the phone call a bit.

KR: That’s alright.

LP: I’m just a dick. I was going to say something about the Catholics but it’s just too easy.

KR: Shaking hands with the bishop.

LP: I wouldn’t want to… considering how these old virgins live with themselves.

KR: Well it’s easy, they have sex with young boys. Easy to live with yourself.

LP: I think in the Vatican, they should allow gay marriage, normal marriage, and they should allow priests to marry children.

KR: Oh… (laughs)

LP: Come on dude, it’s a joke.

KR: Are you sure?

LP: You know I’m under a lot of stress right now.

KR: Yeah.

LP: I think the best thing for it would be to act out sexually. What do you reckon?

KR: I have no idea. What are you gonna do, are you gonna rape an 8 year old?

LP: I’m just thinking about it. Like ask your girlfriends, after a break up they’re like “Oh I went on a sex rampage.”

KR: I think that was your mum saying that. (laughs)

LP: Oh, ha ha. I think I have done so many your mum jokes, I’ve exhausted them.

KR: But that’s not a joke, that’s the truth – your mum told you go out and date as many girls as you can.

LP: Oh Mum yes. She’s like go and fuck heaps of chicks. She’s rude. What the fuck

KR: She wants to watch or something, what the.

LP: When you break up, I guess you can use the old chestnut: when God closes a door, he gets on his laptop and masturbates.

KR: (laughs)

LP: But yeah. What were we talking about again.

KR: I was gonna tell you something.

LP: Are you a juggalo?

KR: (sings) what is a juggalo? He ties a rope to his dick and jumps out the five storey window.

LP: That’s awesome, let’s do some freestyling.

KR: That’s not a freestyle. That’s a quote from the Great Milenko

LP: Yeah but i’m just thinking, you’re likethis lyrical genius… with a big penis.

KR: (laughs)

LP: Yeah like uh, I’m seriously shit at it. Steve’s awesome. If I’ve got half an hour to write down a rap, I can write a paragraph.

KR: It’s an art man, it takes years. When I first heard the idea of freestyling, I thought, there’s no way I would ever be able to do that. But then…

LP: (rapping:) Let me tell you how to find the clit/Just wiggle your tongue to the top of that slit.

KR: Whooaaa.

LP: All my shit seems to come out sexually and violently. I remember walking along with my ex, rapping and being a dick, and she said you seem to talk a lot about sex and violence. I said yeah, I’m holding you like a princess while talking about violent pornography. Holding her in a princess stance, talking about anal fisting and stuff. It was our second date.

KR: (laughs)

LP: Yeah. Have you ever snuck up behind an old dude and pulled his finger?

KR: (laughs) No.

LP: If you ever do that, they just start farting uncontrollably.

KR: Is that right? That’s like medical fact.

LP: It’s magic.

KR: Oh right, it’s a magical fact. Anyway I was going to tell you this fun fact. So at the moment I’m reading 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez and, fun fact about García Márquez. He was 25 years old, around our age. He met this girl, she was 13 and he said this is the most fascinating girl – the most fascinating person I’ve met in my life. So he proposed to her.

LP: Hadn’t met that many people then.

KR: Nah, nah. If you’ve read his book he’s a pretty interesting fucking dude. So he proposed to this girl. She’s like no, I dunno, I dont think so. He said okay. He went travelling for 8 years… twelve or thirteen years. He came back, married her.

LP: So she waited?

KR: I don’t know if she waited or it was just serendipity that she was still single. But yeah, he met this girl, realised, this is the girl, came back, married her.

LP: I think that if something’s meant to be, even if you do disconnect from that person, it still happens.

KR: But that’s like some Hollywood bullshit.

LP: No no, my parents broke up for like a year because my father wouldn’t propose to my mother. He just went, met girls, didn’t like them. He went to her house, first time he’d seen her after a year, and he proposed to her. And they were married for twenty seven years.

KR: And now they’re happily divorced.

LP: Yep.

KR: Twenty seven years. That’s a pretty good marriage. That’s a fair run.

LP: They were engaged for a few years as well, so it’s 30 odd years. People divorce but come on. I haven’t had many successful relationships. I wish I did. I didn’t want to break up with my ex girlfriend but it happened, I have to accept that. But say after a year I see her and we still have feelings and we connect again, of course I’d -

KR: You’d probably whip out your dick in the nightclub.

LP: Yeah, I’d whip out my cock and I’d slap her in the face with it.

KR: And say listen, we’re getting married.

LP: If that was to happen, I wouldn’t say “Nah, ex, once it’s broken up, it’s broken.” I’m sort of up for anything. I don’t wait for that stuff to happen. I know that probably within a year i’ll have another girlfriend.

KR: You know ten girls this week are going to add you on Facebook and say hey handsome, let’s make some magical music together.

LP: Yeah, that would be good. I don’t know. I’m starting uni soon so the thing is, I’ve been a musician just staying at home playing music for months, now i’m going out into the real world

KR: It’s university bro, it’s not the real world.

LP: Yeah, I know that.

KR: Well, the girls are real.

LP: Anyways dude I gotta go.

KR: So that concludes our podcast for this week.

photo by Linda Brand

“Keziah is coming over! I have to change!”

“You broke up like a year ago… why do you even care?”

“It’s important!”

“How is it important?”

“It’s important that he knows I’m hot!”

I sighed and let her go change and put on make-up. This is the kind of thing that chicks do.

Ladies, how about this one? You “accidentally” send a text to a guy you dated twice, talking about what a great time you’re having screwing some other guy?

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to send that to you…”

To a man it seems neurotic, but to a woman it seems quite normal.

Or try this on for size. You saddle up and go over to a girl’s house. It’s the middle of winter, and you’re cold as a nun’s nipples. You put on a singlet, shirt, jumper, jacket, and maybe an overcoat. You arrive and she’s wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut top.

“Damn,” you think. “It’s so cold, but you look so hot!”

Let’s be real though. Who does she think she’s fooling? Does she really expect us to believe that she’d be hanging out wearing glitter make-up if you weren’t coming over?

Imagine if a guy did that. Imagine if a girl called me saying she’d be over in 40 minutes. When she got here, I’d be sitting on the couch wearing a pimp hat, a gold jacket and jeans with my name stitched on the ass.

“Sup?”

“Uhh… you look… good!” she says, walking in wearing her gym clothes.

But hey, why stop there. Since we love dressing up, we may as well wear a costume. A Choder Boy costume. That will let her know how much I really care.

Here’s another scenario for your delicate consideration. There is a sudden black-out in Maitland and Killingsworth starts going through his phone, looking for girls he can text, call and/or harass. He finds his ex-girlfriend Monica’s number and starts texting her to ask if she prefers to do stealthy silent farts, or long satisfying ones.

“Um… I’m sorry, I really don’t know who this is or why you would be texting me. Who are you?”

Little does she realise, every Friday and Saturday night, Killingsworth has been receiving drunken Mystery Midnight texts from her, addressing someone called “Jess”.

“Yes, you have no idea. Is that the reason you send me ten texts accidentally every weekend, telling me how you’re passing out in the toilet.”

“Oh I … got a new phone today…” Lies!

The truth is, us guys know what’s going on… But we never call you out because we kinda like it.

Once upon a time, the world was ending. Planes were going to fall from the sky, nuclear weapons were going to explode in their depositories. Your evening hot chocolate would stop being so sweet, and your morning coffee, so bitter. This end of the world became known as the Y2K bug. Allow me to elaborate.

When they first started making personal computers, they were cheap on memory space, so they only assigned 4 bits to the year. That meant it could only take 16 years – the years from 1984 until 1999. so when it reached December 31^st 1999, and hit midnight, it would click back to January 1^st 1984. Everybody knew this could have potentially devastating effects such as, having to enter the date manually for your tax records. As for me, considering I was born on January 2^nd 1984, I was anticipating a wild ride they don’t have at Disneyland.

As it turned out, nothing happened. No planes dropped out of the sky, no coffee machines burnt any coffee, and I didn’t get born again. Which really would be obvious to anyone who attempted to set their computer’s date to December 31^st 1999 and watch it tick over. I did, but apparently it never occurred to anyone in the media.

Let’s talk about Judgement Day. May 21^st 2011. The day when everything changed and all of us heathens died… last Saturday.

Harold Camping. Basically, he spreads his gravelly, senile voice over the radio waves, saying that the Day of Judgement. He gets millions of dollars of free promotion from his supporters, all the while accepting donations and acquiring 66 radio stations the way some men his age might collect stamps. Then when the smoke settles, he makes a Dr. Evil “Oops!” face, and rides off into the sunset on top of one of his radio stations. Now I have one word to describe that man, and that word is “businessman”. Or maybe it was “kook”, I can’t read my handwriting.

Next year, the world will end again when the Maya Calendar ends. What’s the big deal? My calendar ends every year, and nothing bad has happened from it yet. Except that New Year’s Eve when I let Sally Struthers suck my weiner. What was I thinking?

Allow me to leave you with a parting thought: In these troublesome times, with the world ending so often, it makes you wonder about the big questions. Such as, “If you only had one day to live, what would you do?” Personally, I thought long and hard about this and the answer is: poop in a pool. So that’s exactly what I did last Saturday.

Rock over London, rock on Melbourne, and a humble “thanks for not getting me arrested” to the kind staff at Fitzroy community pool.

I found this picture on my computer just now of a conversation I had on Omegle more than a year ago. At least I think I had the conversation. I don’t really remember it at all, but it all sounds like crazy crap I would say.

Sometimes you just don’t have the words to say how much you love your bros. You need a word for every possible situation that you get into, and some advice on how to bro it up. It just so happens that we have access to a complex glossary and guide to all the different angles, or should I say MAN-gles. A Man-ual of how to be a bro, how to bro and be bro’ed… The Encyclopaedia Brotannica.

First off, here is a list of all the names of guys who use the word “bro”, so if you meet one, you instantly know that you’ve met a soulmate with whom you can discuss all the latest techniques on how to make a girl give you head on the first date.

These are the first tier bro names: Corey, Chad, Brad, Brody, Buzz, Derrick (by popular poll), Steve, Steven, Jimbob, Billy, Billy-Bob, Joe, Joey, José, Brosé, Don Omar, Don Juan de Marco, Donnie Darko, Donnie Brasco, Sue, Edie Amin, Johnny, Fred, Freddie, Freddy, George “Bad-ass” Washington, Josh, Animal, Hulk and Lord Byron.

These are the second tier bro names, but just as important, for any time you need a bro to kick some shit for you. Donald, Donny, Ronald or Ronny, Cedric, Frederick, anybody with the nickname “Fagboy”, Lambert, Leonard, Edmond “Sheepfucker” Barton, Jude, Damien, Joshua, Stephen, Edward, Teddy, Telly, Pinochet and Podcast Faggotlaser.

Eh... What's up doc?

Here is the full list of girls names that that girl is likely to put out on the first date: Kelly, Shelly, and uh… I don’t know, I only ever got one girl to put out on the first date. She grinded against me on the dancefloor and I came.

And now, the comprehensive list of words to call your bros and use with your bros to heighten the mood. Here are some old favourites and some new soon-to-be-favourites: bro, bromeo, brosef, brotein bar or (brotein bra for double the bro power), Brobocop, brodeo, bromeliad, Broseph Stalin, broner, “bro money, bro problems”, Mel-brone the most brodacious city, Brometheus, brontosaurus, and tyrannosaurus bro. Also, if you’re in a spot, tell your bros “Hey bro, I’m BRO…ke”. They will laugh, but they understand your financial broblems. And if there’s a bro who won’t quit staring, just say: “Hey bro, take a brotograph, it’ll last longer… go home and jerk off over it.”

This is the chemistry section. Bromine is a chemical with 35 brotons in the nucleus. Long-term use of potassium bromide can lead to the synbrome known as “bromism” (seriously).

Finally, some parting words of advice. If you’ve ever fucked a bro, best to keep it on the down-bro… Unless it’s a bromance and all of the bros will laugh and fall in love with the bromosexual bromide between fellow bros. Just remember to write your bro some love broetry.

Gotta bro, catch you on the brotherside!

cover photo by Tim & Selena Middleton, used under creative commons

I think my netbook is still under warranty. The touchpad is a bit shit. The touchpad left button doesn’t really work at all, unless you use a magic triple-quadruple click combination. However, before I take it in, I know the first thing I’d have to do would be to back up all my shit. Why? Because I know those techies are fucking lunatics, and as soon as they get my computer, they’d format the hard drive, like a reflex.

“Hm… looks like the RAM is fried.”

“Better format the hard drive.”

“Hm… looks like there’s a scratch on the screen.”

“Better format the hard-drive.”

“Hm… looks like all the keys on the keyboard are missing, and it’s coated in jelly.”

“Format the hard-drive first, and we’ll go from there.”

Once I took my phone into the Nokia (I Don’t) Care Centre.

“Whenever I turn my phone on, it behaves like I’m trying to touch all of the keys at once, and doesn’t respond to what I press.”

“Alright… the first thing we’d do is clear the memory and reinstall the operating system. If you want, you can do it yourself.”

“…I can’t do it myself, because it won’t let me press the buttons necessary to connect it to the computer.”

“Oh… right.”

A week later I came back in. They’d formatted all the shit off my phone. I read the report and it said they’d tested the phone. I turned it on, and it did the exact same shit.

So basically, the moral of the story is, Nokia staff are incompetent, and if you want to protect your computer from hackers, go into your Windows folder and delete the folder called System32. That’s where all the bad shit is, the rest of the hard drive is fine. Microsoft never tells you in their official documentation, because they want you to be vulnerable to software exploits so they can upsell you firewall and security updates later.

(I’m kidding, don’t do that.)

Cover photo by db photographs, used under Creative Commons

Article by Luke Petersen, sweet!

How many times have you fallen in love with a girl with massive tits? You know the one I’m talking about. You’ll be sitting in your loungeroom watching a “Seventh Heaven” marathon with your family. Your mind begins to wander… You start thinking about things like grocery shopping, Harry Potter, then BOOM – her luscious saddlebags creep into your mind. You grab the closest cushion and camouflage your shame boner – or if you’re a premature ejaculator like me, pretend to have a heart attack and seizure all the way to the bathroom whilst screaming. After about ten years of doing this, and fourteen ambulance false alarms, you start to suspect your family knows what you’re actually doing. But who gives a shit. Let’s move on to some advice that isn’t from Men’s Health, Zoo, or Date Rape Monthly.

The Start Of Something Beautiful

You meet a girl on MySpace. Just kidding – MySpace sucks – only loser fags meet girls on some lame Internet site. So you meet her on Facebook. After you’ve sent 300 messages to random babes, you’ll get at least one reply. You get to talking. Textual intercourse has begun. You test the waters with sweet talk, or tease them with lines such as: “I like a girl who doesn’t count calories.” Or the classic: “You look like you smell like shit… LOL!”

There’s one other way to meet a girl for advanced players – meet her in real life, then go home and stalk her Facebook later.

Progress

You start to find her interesting – or maybe you find her boring with massive melons, even better.

You start to think about this girl and you say to her, “I kinda like you a little bit, I think. Maybe.” Smooth as a baby’s asshole.

So then you put her on the spot and ask her how she feels. That’ll make her uncomfortable enough to get her to say what you want. If she says “same” – that’s enough reason to declare your love for her and send her daily photos of your penis from nine different angles.

Go For The Number

If she says no, stop reading this right now and go cry in the shower. If she says yes, you immediately send her a text, saying something like “Here’s my number! BTW it’s Luke – you know – the guy you just gave your number to!” Don’t make that text longer than three text messages long. If it’s too short, she’ll just pretend that she didn’t give you her number – basically you don’t exist anymore. You’re a fart without a smell. Or for a high risk/high reward technique, make your texts really short… send her an epic like “.” She’ll think you’re deep and mysterious.

Date

You ask her if she wants to go out some time. If she says no, just go rape some hand lotion. If she says yes – that yes is enough to make you go out and buy a new T-shirt at Jay Jays, come home, and rape some hand lotion.

Now, you have a date! If you’re like me, you’ll keep cancelling them because you’re too busy sleeping or doing your hair, or doing your hair to make it look like you’ve been sleeping.

Five months later when you escalate from the hair spray stage to the pomade stage, you’re ready to finally meet. The most important thing is, do not take this girl to meet your friends unless she’s hot and can put a coherent sentence together. Girls have been known to hit on your friends, make out with the Saturday Night Lesbians and strip naked at your best friend’s grandma’s birthday bash. If she doesn’t do any of these things, she’s quite possibly girlfriend material. If she does… you’re desperate anyway, so start saving for that ring.

Sexual

After spending time with this girl and finding out she’s more than a pretty face, nice flowing hair, scent of an angel (or JPG Pour Homme), boner-inducing tits, an ass that won’t quit (unless it’s diarrhoea), and puts out like a champ – you would probably put up with all kinds of things… Sitting in her loungeroom, packed with rare furless cats, you’re making small talk with her mother and trying not to seem rude while the cat rubs its clenched asshole against your eyes. You’re a desperate man.

Feelings. Those of us who have them.

You start to get these terrible, irrational, strange tingly feelings… all down your left arm. And a taste of metal in your mouth. That is love, my friend. When you’re comfortable with the girl, maybe after one date, you decide to drop the L bomb.

Love?

When you hit the girl with the “I think I love you” bomb, you’ve basically left yourself naked and bloody with a flaccid shame-filled penis. You’d better do this over the phone, because if she says “I think I love you too,” you don’t want her to see your reaction of pissing your pants and humping your bed while crying. She’d probably claim she actually said “Olive juice.”

The term “I love you” can change so many things – your heart, your life… your underwear, when you prematurely ejaculate for 28 minutes straight. This is when high-level irrationality kicks in. Fast forward three months, and “I think I love you” doesn’t cut it anymore – you’re searching for new ways to express yourself every time you utter those words. “I love you so much”, then “I love you more than life itself,” then the glorious: “I can’t find a word to express how I feel.” Fuck. The most rational thing to do now is try to find that fucking word. Start learning Greek, French and Latin. Spend hours at the library and on the computer, searching your ass off for this word that describes how you feel. Study ancient languages, a double degree of linguistics and philosophy. Dedicate every waking hour to your passion, and finally you find that word in an ancient Sumerian text. Then you get home, burst in the door, and realise that you broke up with that bitch months ago because she put pickles on your sandwich. Good riddance!

Hey guys. I’ve just collaborated with Dr. Faust from The Lamest to make a post of flatulent proportions.

Check it out here: 5 Sneaky Ways To Fart Without Anyone Noticing.

I found this interaction record in a customer’s account the other day:

091108-003833: Maria emailed. Email related to perceived liberty of non-whites not being subject to the same constraints as whites in relation to the use of derogatory slang terms for foreign cultures, objecting to Miss Black America pageants, while whites are not allowed to use terms such as “Nigger, Towel head, Sand-Nigger, Camel-Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink”. Advised the query is not Access Internet related and cited the Acceptable Use Policy, advising that, the provision of this is to ensure that there is just cause for our records to reflect that Maria has been made aware of the Acceptable Use Policy. SC Donald Brunswick – AMS: 43157569/TL Ph: 08 83xx xxxx.

Hey guys, I thought you might like to hear this song I recorded with my friend Age about 18 months ago. We were going to make a film clip for it but never got around to it. So here it is in all its unpolished magnificence: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich of Glory.