091108-003833: Maria emailed. Email related to perceived liberty of non-whites not being subject to the same constraints as whites in relation to the use of derogatory slang terms for foreign cultures, objecting to Miss Black America pageants, while whites are not allowed to use terms such as “Nigger, Towel head, Sand-Nigger, Camel-Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink”. Advised the query is not Access Internet related and cited the Acceptable Use Policy, advising that, the provision of this is to ensure that there is just cause for our records to reflect that Maria has been made aware of the Acceptable Use Policy. SC Donald Brunswick – AMS: 43157569/TL Ph: 08 83xx xxxx.

Hey guys, I thought you might like to hear this song I recorded with my friend Age about 18 months ago. We were going to make a film clip for it but never got around to it. So here it is in all its unpolished magnificence: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich of Glory.

It’s not easy being the coolest guy in the universe. For one thing you get a bunch of annoying little brats coming up to you in the street trying to give you their money. Trying to go to the bathroom in a hotel the other night, a girl jumped down from the ceiling and started taking my pants off to suck my cock. Damn. All I wanted to do was take a whizz.

Still, I guess it does have its perks, considering I was born with a one metre long penis, though it means I have to have sex with 9 foot tall Amazonian women because they’re the only women that are tough enough to take it. When I’m in the guy’s locker room, and I hear my name and turn around really quick… about three lights get blown and I knock out five guys. Sorry guys. It’s not my fault I have a ridiculously giant dick.

Every time I’m walking down the street, birds suddenly appear, every time I am near. They start tweeting out the tune of “Stayin’ Alive”. Kinda funny but I never questioned it.

The paparazzi is always on my ass, trying to take pictures of my ass. What can I say, I have a perfect ass-to-waist ratio. I also have a perfect big-toe to second-biggest-toe ratio. It’s not easy having the hottest feet in the universe. Especially if you go to Tony Robbin’s retreat in Fiji.

Damn, I’m cool. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, go to the mirror and sing love songs to myself. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is my favourite, closely followed by “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You”.

It’s not easy being the coolest motherfucker in the universe, but all in all, it’s worth it. Stay awesome Melbourne!

I know some of you are still young and don’t really know a lot about sex. That’s why I compiled this list of great Yahoo Answers that will explain everything you need to know about that highly sensitive area, boners.

Boners

Who is the leading international authority on boners?

Boners

Boners

What I’d really love is if everyone would leave really hateful comments on my blog.  Start on this post.

Bonus points if you don’t just put a bunch of cussing.  I want you to really insult me, in a way that will have me waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, wondering if it’s actually true.

I need to toughen myself up.  Do your worst.

I’m working on the sales page for my novel “80:60:10:  A Door-To-Door Salesman Trying To Get Laid”, and I just realised something profound – my book is just so damned cool.

When I release it, loveless marriages will suddenly become passionate.  Guys will buy girls leather-bound, gold-plated copies of my novel for Valentine’s Day.  The guy will be walking around with a safety pin in his fly for the rest of the day, because the girl couldn’t get his pants off fast enough.

Kleenex and Durex stock will boom.  Girls will be running around the streets leaving snail trails behind them because they’re so damn horny.  Kinda gross… kinda hot.

Ben Stiller in casual attire

They’ll probably make a movie out of it, and I’ll be portrayed by Seann William Scott, and there will be at least seven scenes with girls making out.  Or there will be a mess-up when the production company gets the rights to the movie, and I’ll be portrayed by Ben Stiller.  The movie will be a delightful rom-com, called “80 First Doors”, where Stiller is an embittered criminal who turns to door-to-door sales to strike it rich, but in the end he learns the true meaning of Christmas.  Shit… That would suck.

Cars will swerve on the streets and aeroplanes will fall out of the sky because the men driving them will get spontaneous erections.  I know that sounds gay, but what can I say.  That’s just the way things are.  Things are gay.

Fuck. I didn’t realise how hazardous writing a novel would be… Maybe I shouldn’t release it…  Nah, fuck it.  Aeroplanes pretty much fly themselves these days anyway.

If you join this exact minute you can get a sneak preview of the cover art for my novel 80:60:10. If you join any later than this minute, you might still see it, but you won’t be as cool.

Touch me, take me to that special place

Who is the hottest, sexiest, brilliantest, awesomest, talentedest, up-and-comingest guy in the entire universe right now?

If you guessed me, you’re almost right. The correct answer is Arthur Kade.

“Who?” I hear you ask from the peanut gallery. Arthur Motherfucking Kade, you dimwit, I reply. You need to pay attention to what you’re reading.

Arthur Kade is the latest Internet craze that’s sweeping the Internet by storm in a smooth, delicious fury of Internet sauce. Anyone who is anyone knows that Arthur Kade is the greatest nobody to ever be somebody.

Kade was a financial advisor in Philadelphia, who stood up one day and told his boss to shove his job up his fiscal quarter, and declared himself to be the ultimate Hollywood superstar. At the time, no one believed him. As time went on, progressively less people believed him. But that didn’t stop him. Kade is not one man, he’s a one-man-hurricane.

Whenever you mention his name, there are certain questions that come up, like:

“Who the hell is Arthur Kade?”

“What does he do?”

The answers to these questions are, respectively: “Isn’t it obvious?” “Nothing special”.

Arthur Kade is a man who is becoming famous for just being himself. I have a theory that if you can make enough people hate you so much that they leave comments on your blog, write articles about you, make websites about what an asshole you are – you’ve got to be on your way to success. No one can ignore a guy like that for long. Arthur Kade is that guy. Arthur Kade is the guy that can make everyone hate him.

And hate him they do. People can’t stop hating on him. Every time he posts on his blog, there is an avalanche of comments from the dark abysses of the web. People wait in the flanks of his site, just to pounce on it and ask him things that tax his mind considerably. Things like “Man… why are you such a douchebag?” and “Man…. why are you such a fag?” and “Wow… your nose is so awesome and Roman and Greek-looking. Your skin looks so smooth, I just want to touch it! …Fag!”

But Arthur Kade’s upbeat attitude will not let disparaging comments get him down – when asked for comment, Kade was quoted as saying “Uhmmhh… uhhrrhhh…” Not really sure what he meant by that – I guess genius is a difficult thing to understand.

Undeniably, Arthur Kade is not a man to be fucked with. And with his undeniably unfuckwithability, comes balls. And with his balls come guts. And with his guts, come a mouth. And with his mouth comes shit. A whole lot of shit.

Kade is the man that epitomises the 21st century ideals: No talent, no special skills, just a complete and unwavering belief that he deserves everything fine the world has to offer, now. I for one support him in his endeavour, and believe him when he says that women are smitten with his beauty and chiselled features whenever they see him (though millions wouldn’t). Though if you’re anything less than a ten – if you’re a 9.5, or if you’ve only been in two Victoria Secret shoots – you need fuck off fatty, get back to the gym, and throw some Ds on that bitch. Get real, Kade wouldn’t touch you with my dick (though I probably would). How could you insult the man with anything less than a 0.7 to hip-to-waist ratio, glow-in-the-dark whitest of white teeth, skin that is baby soft, with that airbrushed look.

Touch me, take me to that special place