Tall, Dark-skinned, Large-breasted Hippie
“I read your website – how long have you been writing it?!” she asked me excitedly, with a beaming smile, bright eyes like a groupie talking to Nikki Sixx.
“Uh… I don’t know. About a year I guess,” I mumbled. I found it kind of funny that it would get this kind of reaction from Denise, considering she was the biggest feminist in our workplace. Maybe she’d only read the “favourite posts” section – the older, PG rated stuff. Or at least the stuff that is more obviously tongue-in-cheek.
That was about two months ago. Then last Friday night we had a work party, open bar at Cristál, so all my workmates were trashed. I took it easy, considering how retarded I normally end up at open bars. I hate being drunk. I hate the feeling of not being in control of myself.
Denise came up to me and said “Jones, I’ve been reading your website,” in a commanding tone.
“Cool.”
“I can’t believe the way you write – I would have never expected it from you. The way you talk about women is so … vulgar.”
“I just write honestly. I write the way men think. If you don’t like the way I write, you probably should move to the Island of Lesbos.” I don’t know if she chose to ignore that one, or if it just went over her head. She didn’t react.
“How can you objectify women like that?”
“It’s not hard.” She raised her eyebrow at me.
“Look at it this way: I bet you read a lot of fiction intended for women. Jane Austen.”
“I love Jane Austen,” she said, almost angrily.
“Okay, tell me about Mr. Darcy.”
“Mr. Darcy… He ignores you, and then he loves you.”
I laughed “That’s an even better response than I expected. Mr. Darcy is an objectification of a male. Defining a man by his character is fetishising him, just as defining a woman by her actions and physical attributes is fetishising her.” At least, that’s what I’d meant to say. I’d had a few drinks. I probably I just mumbled something about fetishes that made no sense.
Women that get up in arms about my work make one essential misunderstanding: my work is not about the degrading of women; it’s about the glory of man. That’s why guys write stuff in the comments saying that I inspired them, because they want the glory. They’re not getting excited about putting down women, or anything like that; they’re getting excited about expressing themselves. That’s why guys write in the comments saying they’re glad I wrote this, wishing me good luck on the journey, and that they want to grow up to be just like me, and that they think I have beautiful Roman features – oh no wait – I’m getting myself confused with Arthur Kade.
“Alright – tell me this though: What would a man say about me?” said Denise.
“Ah… Gee Denise, I don’t really think of you in that way.”
“No, seriously, what would a real man say about me? What would you write about me if you put me on your blog?” she demanded.
I studied her face.
“It’s okay – I know I’ve put you on the spot here.” It was true, she had. It’s not often a woman takes control of me like that. Quite a novel experience. Quite a bonerising experience. “Tell me the truth though, I can take it.”
“What would you say though?”
“I suppose I’d say: tall, dark-skinned, large breasts…”
“Okay, I can take that.”
“Hippie…”
She laughed.
After that I’m not sure what happened, but it ended in me putting my fingers through her curly hair and kissing her on the cheek. “You’re a champ,” I said.
“What do you think of my cousin?” she said to me later.
“She’s fantastic.” Her cousin was tall, light-skinned, large-breasted, and came to work dressed like a rockstar. Classy.
“Would you hook up with her?”
“Absolutely.”
“But you’d hook up with anything – you’re a manwhore,” she said abruptly. I think this was her way of flirting with me.
“Yeah, I guess so.” I chuckled to myself.
Anyway, it was kind of cool because I know I have at least one fan who is a feminist. Though what would be cooler, is if I had sex with her. I’m sure that feminist pussy would either taste really sweet, or really sour. Cooler still is if I have feminists set up hate groups for my site. Maybe I can pay some feminists to do that for me.
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Comments (3)
ok dude the arthur kade moment made me laugh out loud… i thought u were being serious in that paragraph then BAM!
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half serious.
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u went to his site lately?, he’s getting worse. and when i say worse, i mean it’s funnier to read
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