Sexpo ’08. More like Shitheap ’08.
“I’m so wrecked. What time does the tram come?”
“7:05.”
“What time is it now?”
“6:20.”
Age and I had just left Pony about twenty minutes ago, and been wandering around in the painful daylight. A tram passed by going the opposite direction.
“Did you see that?” I asked, inquisitively.
“Huh?” inquired Age, despondently.
“The ad on the tram. Sexpo November twentieth to twenty-third. That’s today. Maybe we should go.”
“… … … Yes, yes we should.”
“I really should get some sleep though.”
“Don’t worry, you can fall asleep after you fuck a pornstar.”
“Oh yeah. Let’s go.”
We bought the tickets and went to Subway, eating a fatful egg and bacon sandwich while we waited till it was nine o’clock. I went through and started making some notes in my phone on what had happened the night before.
“I think the highlight was probably when we were walking and that guy hollered saying ‘Hey you’re a really hot girl!’”
“Hahah oh yeah I forgot about that.”
“Man, remember at Transport I was talking to that 30 year old by the bar? SS was occupying her boyfriend – not deliberately, just accidently. I started talking to her and just looking into her eyes, and I started getting a boner.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It was intense. She wasn’t even physically attractive. When I first saw her, I didn’t think much of her… But then… yeah. I want a girl like that. A boner girl.
“I tried to get her number but she’s like ‘That’s my boyfriend.’ I said ‘He doesn’t have to know.’ She said ‘He’s standing a metre away…’”
“Haha. What about those girls coming out of such and such a club. Did you make out with her?”
“Oh yeah… haha.”
Walking to Pony, we saw two girls coming out of an alley. One was wearing a fluro and black hoodie. She was brunette, plain, but had incredible breasts. The other was blonde and thin. We talked to them for a few minutes, and I said something like “Hey you should come back to my place and we’ll make out.”
Sandy said “Hah! You wish.”
“Of course I wish – that’s why I said it!” Sandy was taken aback and amazed all at once.
“Anyway we have to go home now,” said Liz.
Sandy put her hoodie up and I went toward her to kiss her on the cheek goodbye. Instead, she came toward me, her back to Liz and kissed me on the lips.
“You didn’t have to kiss him!” said Liz as they walked off.
“I didn’t!” said Sandy.
“Yeah, I kissed her.”
“That’s awesome. Man look at those dykes over there.” There were about six middle-aged women with short haircuts. “I dare you to go over there and say (stalker voice) ‘HEY. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN… PENETRATED.’”
“Hahah. Fuck no, I’m not saying that. Let’s go to Sexpo.”
We got in there and we were greeted by a topless girl who wanted to give us free samples of pornography. Awesome. Unfortunately, that was the highlight of the whole thing.
Sexpo is basically like a market, like Queen Victoria Markets, except they charge you $40 apiece to get in. Three quarters of the stalls have nothing to do with sex. They’re mostly to do with massage or chakra healing. Though there are some cool things… like a seat you sit on, and it fucks you. And videos playing of girls wearing strap-ons with guys sucking on them. I’m not sure whether to be aroused… or very aroused.
There’s a stall with a sign, written in scrawl. It says “Disabled Sex Assocation of Victoria. Disabled, but still sexy!” And underneath it is a 140 kg man in a wheelchair, with no neck, and apparently no ability to move. He sat there blinking erratically. I know it might be really not PC to say so… but that was pretty fucked.
“Oh my Lord,” said Age. “Jesse Jane is here.”
“Who?”
“Jesse Jane. Haven’t you heard of her? She can fake an orgasm better than anyone.”
Sitting on stage was Jesse Jane’s co-star. It cost $15 to get a picture with her. There were about three people lining up. When Jesse Jane got up on stage, there were about 150 people lining up.
“You know… that other girl was actually a lot more attractive.” Jesse Jane’s face had an unnatural sheen, like every hair on her face had been lasered off.
“Yeah I know. Anyway I’m going to get a picture with her.”
Every girl that went up to get a picture grabbed Jesse’s boob. Age got up there and clawed her in. I watched from the floor as he asked if he could grab her boob, and got sternly rejected. Oh well, can’t blame a guy for trying.
After that, I went home and slept. My unofficial motto for Sexpo is now Sexpo: May as well stay home and jerk off!
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Comments (2)
man that subway was great!
[Reply]
haha. yeah, the best part of our little adventure.
[Reply]