Los Angeles Adventures Part 2 – A Million Desserts, Some Jaded Actors And Strippers With Their Clothes On
“I don’t know – there was something not right about it. It was like she was humouring me,” I said as we walked off Hollywood Boulevard.
“Maybe that’s it,” said Aster, as we walked past a kid’s birthday party with a jumping castle in the front yard.
“I wish – that is one helluva party.”
We got to the address that Helena had given me. We walked into the apartment building, and the super behind the counter said “You guys here for the party? Just take the elevator up and go to the pool.”
“Oh. Yes. Sure.”
I opened the gate to the pool. “Oh my God! You guys made it! Guys, these are the Australians I recruited for our party!”
“Actually I’m from England,” said Aster.
I grabbed Helena, hugged her, and lifted her up. Then she walked off.
Then she came back and served us about a million desserts in a row. Chocolate cream pie. Lemon squares. Rice crispie with peanut butter with ice cream with chocolate syrup. I felt bloated. And someone brought chocolate coated almonds with sea salt.
“Chocolate with salt on them? Why?” I said.
“Just try them. You know chocolate coated pretzels? The salt is what makes them taste so good.”
Then she walked off again.
We ended up jumping in the hot tub and talking to some guy that wasn’t even invited to the party. He called himself Phantom.
“Man… I used to be an actor. But that shit is fucked up man. I moved to Los Angeles to do commercial work. But then you get in that audition room. You go in, you did your best. The script says ‘Make the action of shooting a bow and arrow.’ Sure. Thwack! Then you come out, and every other actor is like ‘How did you do man? You looked good in there. How did you do that bow and arrow part? I re-enacted a mediaeval battle scene!’”
“They’re always trying to tool you?”
“Absolutely. I don’t know if you have this ad in Australia, but Taco Bell’s thing here is ‘I’m full!’. I auditioned to be in their commercial. You just imagine hundreds of people lining up to do the same line.
“The sixteen year old pretty boy ‘I’m full!’
“Some seventy year old ‘I’M full!’
“The beauty queen ‘I’m FULL!’ – and when you see it, you know that taco bell tastes just as shit on the way up.
“Then I come in, bite into a nacho. ‘I’M FULL!’ The casting director says ‘Thank you – we’ll call you.’ And it’s all up to his whim whether he decides whether you can eat that month. So now I’m in a band.”
“Anything you do, any skill you try to master, there’s always going to a period of disillusionment,” I said.
“There sure is.”
On the other side of the tub, Bridget nodded her head. “Yes, that’s so true. I remember when I was on the set of Entourage -”
“You were on Entourage? That’s so cool!” I said.
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you. It was awful. I got my FAG card for it, but it was terrible.”
“FAG card?”
“Yeah, it’s like a card that certifies you’re an official member of the actor’s guild. It basically confirms that you’re a real actor.”
“Who did you play on Entourage?”
“Season three, Turtle comes in and meets three girls in the restaurant.” I looked in the credits on IMDB later, and couldn’t see her name. I guess they don’t put just any FAG in the credits.
“Anyway, I remember being there on the set. All the other girls were so excited to be there. I just felt so awful and out of place. I didn’t belong there.”
“Hey guys,” said Helena. “We’re going to karaoke at the Dutchman.”
“Okay, we might meet you there later,” I said. She walked off, with the rest of the party.
“That was weird.”
“What was?” said Bridget.
“She was so excited to invite me to this party, then she avoided me the whole time.”
“Oh yeah. She told me today that she recruited some Australians to come to our party. So she could make Alan jealous.”
“That explains a lot.” It sort of explains a lot. How are you going to make the guy jealous by ignoring me?
“What are you guys doing later? There’s this place you have to check out. It’s called Jumbo’s Clown Room,” said Phantom.
“The strip club?” said Bridget.
“It’s not a strip club – it’s very tasteful. All the girls keep their clothes on.”
“Right, so it’s a very tasteful bar where girls perform poledances on stage.”
“You too are like a married couple,” I said.
“Hey, that’s a nice shirt,” said Phantom. “Texas Hold ‘Em.”
“No Limit Texas Hold ‘Em – the Cadillac of poker games!” I said. “Do you play?”
“Man… I used to play poker. I remember sitting there in this dingy poker room off Sunset Strip. Nasty place. The guy sitting next to me had no teeth – that’s how bad it was. The dealer put down the river, a six of clubs. And the three players showed their cards. The bikie guy took the chips with the pocket jacks.
“Now you wouldn’t think that having no teeth would stop you from being able to talk, but the guy next to me started making a whole bunch of sound, without actually making any words. Just ‘Mmmmrgph! MMMmmmRrgph!’ He had the best hand – the six of clubs had completed his six-high straight. I had to yell to the dealer ‘Hey – this guy won!’
“I don’t play poker any more.”
“Alright, I think we’re going to go.”
“Cool man – what’s your number? I’ll give you the NFT on Los Angeles.”
“What’s NFT?”
“Not for tourists.”
“Sure he will,” said Bridget. “Everyone says they’ll be your best friend in this city. And you mean it, when you say it. Then the next day you put off calling them. Then it gets to about a week and you think gee, I can’t call them now – it’d be awkward! So you never call.”
I got his number.
I dried myself off and put on my pants.
We left and went to Jumbo’s Clown Room. I thought it was shit. All the female customers were with guys, and none of the dancers took off their clothes. Aster thought it was great though – the dancers were pretty hot.
Then we went back to the hostel. I texted Helena, saying “Thanks for inviting us to the party. I think I tasted the real America.”
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