Las Vegas Almost Sexual Adventures Part Three – It’s Not Just The Strippers – Protect Your Chicken Fingers 14/4/09
We roll into Shadow Bar at about 10. Aster orders a vodka lemon. The Mexican bartender says “Hey, remember me?”
“Uh… your face looks familiar.”
“I was with those girls you were talking to the other night!” The bartender is friends with the girl that Aster failed to pull twice, whom I (somewhat) affectionately call “La Vida Loca”.
“Oh yeah. How are you?”
Cabron brings Aster a drink. $12.50. The drinks are marked up here because they have to pay the dancers that are visible only as silhouettes on the frosted glass wall. Aster tastes the drink and realises Cabron has poured him a triple. I guess that’s the fringe benefit of superior game.
There are two American girls at a table in the centre of the room. I retard-wave and draw one of them over, Lyn. The other one is speaking to a fat chode.
I start talking to her. Aster starts talking to her, then he starts touching her. Aster is basically kino-ing everything with a pulse. I think, okay, he’s demonstrating intent with that one, so I’ll take the other one. The other one comes over. Her name is Marla. Fat chode must have boosted off back to Planet Chode.
I tell them all to come sit down, back at their table. Lyn comes and sits down with me and I start talking to her. Meanwhile, Marla is asking Aster if he’s gay.
“I’m not gay – want me to prove it to you?” And makes out with her.
They come and sit down with us. Now Lyn is looking at Aster and Marla, obviously jealous and distracted. I get her attention by grabbing her and talking in a French accent and pulling her on my lap. Now both of these girls have just been to an Elton John concert and they’re both pretty lubricated.
After a minute, Lyn says “I need to get up. I need to go to the restroom.”
I say okay and release her. She gets up, kisses her friend and goes to the restroom. I think that’s kind of weird that she would kiss her friend before going to the toilet. But what kind of girl would leave her girlfriend behind with two random dudes? She must be coming back.
She didn’t come back. Aster is trying to eye-code me but I have no idea what he’s saying. I think maybe he’s trying to get away from this crazy cougar. Lyn reckoned she was 28. I think that was taking the piss. However, they were both pretty hot. I’ll give them that.
I look into Aster’s eyes and say “So, I think we have to head off to Pure now.”
But Aster wants to pull this chick. I head off to Pure and go to the front of the crowd to tell them I’m on the guest list.
Funny thing. The first time we went to Pure, Spesh texted me and said, “Here’s what you have to do. Call Caesars Palace and tell them you need to be put through to the Pure desk. [Actually, they couldn't put me through directly - they gave me the number 731-PURE]. Tell them you need to be on the guest list tonight. Don’t ask, tell.” So I did it. And it worked. After this I might find it a bit easier to get into Baroq and Electric Lady Land.
Aster is trying to pull this girl any way possible. She’s really into him and seems to be DTF. But she refuses to go to the Stratosphere because “It’s in a bad part of town and I don’t like it.” It’s about five minutes from The Strip. She said he couldn’t come back to her place because “No guys come back to my place.” It was these things that started to make him think that she might be an escort. Maybe she’d gotten kicked out of the Stratosphere before.
She wanted to split a hotel room at Caesar’s with him. Ridiculous, he thought. He’s got a perfectly good hotel room at the Strat. Eventually he got to the end of his tether and said “Okay, either you come back to my hotel, or we go back to yours, or you fuck off.”
She fucked off.
I get into the club and run into Paul and Moondoggy. Moondoggy is famous throughout Vegas for having ten game.
I spent about twenty minutes trying it on with a super cute Chilean girl.
“No habla Anglais!”
“She doesn’t speak many English!” said her friend.
I figured it was an opportunity and a challenge to try to get a girl who had no idea what I was saying. I tried to talk to her in bastard Portuguese, and to communicate through dance. After five minutes she was into me, and her friend liked me too.
Aster came along and saw me with them, started talking to the brunette. ”Man – I can’t do this – my girl barely speaks a word of English.”
“Neither does mine!”
“Oh.”
I stuck it out for a while. I number closed… for a Chilean number. Maybe I’ll call her when I can speak a bit more Castilian. I went for the make-out about ten times but she wasn’t having it. I pointed to myself and away and said “Benhado”, which I think (hope) means bathroom, and excused myself.
Then I see this cute fat chick with huge tits, and I’m Captain Ahab. Aster sees me with her later and texts me “Don’t do it – she’s brutal!”. Which is the kind of thing that guys do for their friends when they’re wasted. The thing is, I’ve only had one (?) drink.
Miller High Life - The Champagne of Beers
I text him back “Come on man. You know what I like”
She says she can’t come home with me tonight because she’s staying in a time-share and is babysitting four kids. Does that sound as ridiculous as I think it does? Yep. Shoulda pushed harder.
Paul is standing outside the club at 3 a.m., telling me this is where to catch the chicks with the high buying temperature. ”Their BT is through the roof – you just grab them and it’s on!”
Moondoggy and Paul get some girls, but I don’t know if it pans out for them or not.
I meet Lauren and Erin from New York. They just came from the Thunder from Down-under, which is a male strip show that’s popular in Vegas, featuring only Australian dancers.
I’m chatting to them by the penny slots, waiting for Aster to come wing for me.
The girls say to each other, more or less out of the blue: “I’ve never been to a strip club before.”
This is the photo that makes Lauren look like a fat bitch
I say non-chalantly: “Cool. You should come with us. We’re going to catch a limo to the Rhino.”
“Rhino?”
“Yeah, Spearmint Rhino. It’s a gentleman’s club.”
“Isn’t going to a strip club dangerous?” said Lauren.
“No more dangerous than getting in a limo with two guys that you hardly know” said Erin. I ignore it.
They cash out their craps winnings. Aster appears and orders the limo, it pulls up, we get in. I told Aster I wanted the ginger but he keeps touching her leg and hand. He’s incorrigible.
As we get out, I hand Aster $12 for the limo driver. Aster says to the girls “Aren’t you going to tip? Normally it costs about $50 to get into this place so you may as well tip the guy.”
Erin gives us two one dollars notes. Lauren says “I have $10… Can you give me $5 change?” What horrible tippers. I’m Australian and I tip better than them. Ding ding ding. What’s that sound? Oh. It’s alarm bells ringing.
Go inside, sit down. Aster orders two plates of chicken fingers. Spearmint Rhino in Vegas is a nice place. The girls are impressed by how nice the dancers are – no skank, no skeez. All the dancers are hot stuff, though 99% of them have fake breasts.
However, the real reason everyone comes to Spearmint Rhino is for the chicken fingers with ranch dressing. They cost $8 a plate, which would be a pretty good deal if not for the $50 cover charge.
Here’s the weird thing about the Rhino hook-up: At the door, locals get in for free. If you’re not local, $50 at the door. But if you’re not at the door, you can call the limo, get picked up, and you get in for free. The limo driver gets paid about $30 for every person he gets into the club, plus tips. So if you were going to go there anyway, you pay. If you weren’t, they pay, and you get the free limo. Quite an innovative business model.
We’re sitting down and a dancer walks past. I drag her over and introduce her to Erin. I put $20 on the table and the dancer says she’ll do the end of this song and the whole of the next song. A little something extra for a cute girl I guess. I’m watching intently as Erin gets teased by this hot blonde, when all of a sudden my view is obstructed. There are two big, black double Ds in my face – right in my face.
“Hi…. Want to smell the twins? They’re Scratch and Sniff.” Right in my face, against my face, over my face. I have to admit, they smell pretty good. But I’m sort of pushing her out of the way to watch Erin’s lapdance. The black girl Zia sits on my lap and says “Is that your girlfriend? That’s making me so horny. Don’t mind me if I start touching myself…” She starts gyrating her hips a little. Eventually she even asks me if I want a dance. I decline, three times. She leaves.
I figure, though Erin is an ice queen, surely she must have warmed up a little after that. Go for the make out two or three times. ”Thanks, but no. I’m going to the bathroom.” Poof.
So i jump in Lauren’s lap and start giving her a lapdance. Nothin’ to lose tattooed around his slap wounds. She just sits there and looks uncomfortable. I get up and she says “I think I’m going to go.” Poof.
Now that would have been okay. I was stupid enough to pay for your lapdance, so you got a free lapdance and left. Fair enough. I knew there was a considerable degree of risk involved with this technique. However, a few minutes later, the waitress came over and handed us one plastic platter of chicken fingers.
Aster said “Awesome… where’s the other one? Still coming?”
“No… That girl just came up to the bar and took them as they were leaving.”
“WHAT??!??”
I can take a lot, but stealing a man’s chicken fingers is too much. Everyone knows the real reason everyone goes to Spearmint Rhino is for the chicken fingers.
It’s funny, because, since coming to Vegas, I’ve never been screwed so many times without having sex once.
Continued – Las Vegas Sexual Adventures Part Four – Actual Sexual Adventures.
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Comments (2)
TEN GAME!!!
Man im moondoggy’s biggest fan haha
plus ‘nothing to lose tattooed around his slap wounds’ – epic line lol
awesome post
[Reply]
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