Honey Bunnies
“Hello, this is Jones at Telephonestra – what can I do for you?”
“Hi, I’m a rape victim.”
“I see,” I said, with an understanding tone.
“I was raped by my husband’s best friend.”
“I see…” I said, wondering why the fuck she was telling me this.
“So I changed my number a few weeks ago so I could get a number that nobody knew. The problem is, this number seems like it recently belonged to a business – people keep calling and asking for Honey Bunnies or something.”
“Ah right. If you’re getting unwelcome calls, I can change your number without charge.”
“Okay – great. The thing is though, I have a very bad memory, so I need a number that’s easy to remember. The one they gave me is great – xxxxx333. It’s just the people keep ringing for Honey Bunnies all the time. Honey Bunnies – what is that – do you know?”
“I could only guess.”
“It must still be listed in the Yellow Pages. The guys calling say that they got it from the Internet. How long will it be like that?”
“It should be updated within two weeks.”
“Okay, good.”
“But if you want to choose your own number we’re going to have to charge you.”
“What? Why? How much?”
“I can give you one number for free, then if you want to choose it’ll be $37.50 for every three numbers after that.”
“That’s ridiculous. My husband just left me after 25 years of marriage, and broke up with me by text. Who does that? Isn’t that awful?”
“Yes, it is.”
“So can you give me a number for free?”
“Uh… no.”
“Why not? I don’t see why you’re not helping me. The last girl I was talking to just rattled off a whole bunch of numbers and let met choose.”
“That may be so, but I still can’t do it.”
“What if I ring back and speak to someone else?”
“I can’t stop you from doing that.”
“Are you going to give it to me for free or not? The guy who raped me was my husband’s best friend, and he’s a mob boss. Look back at The Age on August 20th and you’ll see who I’m talking about. So can you change it for free?”
“No, I can’t. It’s company policy. I’m sure you’ve had a really hard time, but if you want a premium service, you have to pay.”
“Fine. Bye.”
“Hi, this is Jones, how can I help you?”
“Was I just talking to you?”
“Ah. Maybe.”
“I’m looking to change my phone number.”
“Oh. Right. Hello again.”
“You’re the only person at Telephonestra following that policy. Don’t you have any heart? What about duty of care for your customers?”
“That’s right – that’s why we’ll let you change it one time for free when you’re getting unwelcome calls.”
“So you’ll let me choose my number?”
“No.”
“Fine! Goodbye!”
