Trouble In A Bubble.

Gym Timez

I went into the gym after work, to see if I could get a deal on the membership.

The salesgirl Nadia was a cute brunette who wasn’t quite at ease in her high heels. Sweet girl. She said to me something like “Go easy on me, it’s my first presentation,” which is a classic sales line, but I could tell by the way she acted that it was actually true.

She would rattle off this long spiel to me, and her demeanour changed in subtle ways which screamed “this is a memorised pitch!” I gave her an underlook, smiled at her and slightly raised an eyebrow, as if to say “I know exactly what you’re doing.”

She giggled… she cracked up “Stop it!”

She showed me around the gym and told me about the classes. She got halfway through telling me about the cycle class or something… Then she cracked up again and blamed me. No underlook required. I thought “If I were on a date with this girl, now would be the perfect time to kiss her.”

We sat down and she started going through the prices. She told me straight off that they’d waive the $150 membership fee “only this week” and I smirked. You still have to pay a $25 admin fee. I wondered if they just put the membership fee there so they could take it off. How could I be paying $150 to sign myself into a 12 month contract? Breaking my balls.

“So, if you sign up to a 12 month contract it’s $21.95 a week, otherwise it’s $26 a week.”

“Can you make it cheaper?”

“Ah… well… maybe. I’ll go get my boss.”

Her boss Charlotte was six foot four and blonde. If she didn’t walk with such a masculine stride, she would have been gorgeous. She’d walked through the seated area a few minutes before… When she caught my eyes I felt her status so much it made me flinch. She was an ultra-polished saleswoman.

However, when she came out and talked to me, she had no personality.

“You say you work next door at NazBank? Well in that case we can give you a corporate rate of $20.95.”

“Can you make it cheaper?”

“No.”

“Uh… ok then… I’ll think about it.”

“When do you think you’ll make your decision?”

“Probably by the end of the week.”

“OK we’ll give you a call before then.”

They gave me some promotional material and sent me on my way.

I got a sales call on Thursday from Charlotte. I wished it were from Nadia instead.

“So Kurt have you made a decision on your membership yet?”

“No.”

“When do you think you’ll make your decision?”

“Probably by the end of the week.”

“Oh ok. Bye.”

Worst. Sales. Call. Ever. Can’t you at least remind me of the benefits, impulse me or something? Tell me about how I had plans to get fit, blah blah. She had the purest, hardworking, super-polished drive, that some how resulted in her being a totally mediocre salesperson. I hate incompetence, almost as much as I love excellence.

Aster told me that he’d went on gumtree, the classifieds site, and found a contract with only five months to go, and it only cost him $19 a week. Sounds great.

Charlotte rang me up again the next week. I knew I really had her in the corner this time… I could taunt her.

“So Kurt have you made a decision on your membership yet?”

“Actually I’ve found that if I get a second-hand membership off the net, I can save some money.”

“Oh, you’re going to get one off ebay or something?”

“Off a classifieds site, but yes.”

“Well… uhh…” Your status = mine “Uh… I think you should know that all members have recently had a rise in prices.” Flustered.

It occurred to me later that I could have been really cruel and said “You mean that when I sign the contract you can take up the price whenever you feel like it?? How reprehensible!” But that would be kicking a girl when she’s down.

Instead I said “That’s fine.”

“Well… OK then… bye.”

New record for the worst sales call ever.

I never really got around to signing up on gumtree. Just as well though, because a few weeks later, Hans from the gym in Victoria Gardens called me up. I mean, same gym, different location.

He asked if I came in with Angelique Olszewcki “Angelique Olsze…dmawembm” a few weeks ago. I said that’s right. He said that Angelique was paying about $82 a month, but he could offer me $66. I said that sounds great Hans, I’ll come in after work.

He came out with this form in his hand that said something like “Family Sign-up Agreement”.

“So you came in with your wife the other day, right?”

“Hah. Ah… She’s my ex-girlfriend now.”

“Oh.” and he turned the family sign-up agreement face down on the table.

He showed me around the gym, told me a little stuff about the best way to train. When we sat down, I asked him to run the prices by me again.

“Well it works out at $33.90 a fortnight. What did they quote you at Church St?”

“About $44 a fortnight.”

“yeah… Well we can bring that down to $33.90 because you’re eligible for this discount…” then he mumbled “sort of…”

“sort of?”

“yeah… anyway just sign here and here. There we go.”

Of course, he couldn’t back down, because he’d already quoted me the cheaper price. So I’d scammed myself a sweet discount on the gym by pretending my ex-girlfriend was my wife without even knowing it… SUCKAHS!

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