Ave Maria
There’s this girl on MSN, I think I know her from Myspace. Every time she comes online I hit on her really tactfully. No wait – that’s not right. Tackily. I hit on her really tackily.
She must have thought I was desperate or something, because she introduces me to her friend Maria. I’m not desperate, but I am on a 30 day challenge. I get her phone number and keep texting her telling her to come and get something to eat with me. After about three days she came into Fitzroy, from Snorbans or somewhere far away.
She said she was down on Victoria St. I put on my beret and head down there.
I walked down and around, then down Victoria St. I saw this big girl down the street wandering around in circles. And I thought “I hope that’s not her.” Not that I don’t big girls, but I like it when they’re shaped like an hourglass, not an oblong. Of course it was her.
We went and got nachos from Vegie Bar. I don’t know why, but the menu says it’s an “inbetween” but it’s as big as two of their meals, for $8.50. I think they just want to get the whole bag of corn chips gone in one go.
I shot the shit with her. I’m not sure if she was genuinely boring, or just holding back because she was nervous. Didn’t really care either way. Still, I acted amicably.
She asked what I’d been doing all day. I said I’d been reading a book about the psychology of dating. She said “Oh.”
Seems like since I’m living in Grem’s house I start to think more and more like him, absorbing his attitudes by osmosis through the Bukowski novels all over the place.
Her breasts were average.
At one point, I was sitting across from her. I had both of my legs to one side, I guess it was comfortable. She said “Oh… you put your legs like a lady.”
“Sure… I’m a big girl. I have no balls, no spine… a faint spirit, and a weak sense of reality.”
“Oh.”
That was actually a joke Maria, but thanks for coming.
We ate the nachos and rice balls. Trampoline is right across the road… I love that place. There’s this photo of the side of Justin Timberlake’s head on the notice board.. He’s ordering gelati from the store we were standing in. There’s a note saying “i thought you might like this picture of justin timberlake in this store, I loved how he wasn’t stuck up or super-star-ish”. I pointed it out to her. I order the lime cake and the chocolate crackle in a midget cup. She gets exactly the same thing. They don’t have tiramisu today.
We’re meandering down the street. There’s some music playing out the front of a cafe. I stop and dance for a while. She gives me a look… She’s embarrassed. That amuses me.
We sit on the park bench outside the Black Cat.
“So you were saying how you had some sort of problem with dating?”
“Did I say that? I don’t remember saying that.”
“Yes… well, actually no. You said you were reading that book. But that’s the impression I got.”
“Hah yeah exactly. That’s not what I said, but you made a judgement about it.”
I told her it was like this Robbie Williams interview I was watching. He tells everyone how he’s never been in love, and when he tells reporters that, they get an impression and go write “Robbie is has never been in love and he’s very lonely and desperate and needs loving.” and he just laughs.
Soon after that, she says abruptly “Well it seems pretty obvious by now that you’re gay.”
I laugh in her face… for two minutes. I stop laughing and she’s talking and I start laughing out of nowhere again. She says “Shhh. I was only kidding.”
“No you weren’t… hahah. That’s what makes it so funny.”
She stands up and says “let’s go for a walk.” Just then, her tits are at eye level. I’m blatantly checking them out. I guess they’re not so bad. I get up to walk with her. I lead her down my street. She says “that way? It’s dark and scary.”
“Yeah, this is my street. Let’s go.”
Then I grab her and kiss her.. No, I try to kiss her. She says “Jones Jones Jones please, stop, no.”
Then it comes like a stinger missile from behind a cloud.
“You know this is only a friends date right?”
Hahhaha. You stupid girl.
“Get the fuck out of my face.”
And I laugh all the way home.
Her friend messages me on the net asking how it went.
I said she did the one thing I can’t stand. I’ve had girls turn their backs on me, splash drinks in my face, threats of boyfriends called on me, boyfriends called on me, threats of physical violence from a 45 kg girl shaking her fist at me… anything but
“LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS”
Fuck ‘em.
