Angelique
Friday. Transport. I swirl around and see a brunette with a full curvy body and huge breasts. She couldn’t be older than 26, but really she’s 30. I grab her hand and spin her around.
“Uhh… hi.”
“Hi there. I’m Jones.”
“Angelique… Nice beret.”
“Oh, zank you… zis is just a leetle zing from my recent journey to France aw haw haw haw” I say in my best french accent.
“Really… have you ever been to France?”
“Non… but I ‘ear it is very nice.”
“Haha. Hey I really have to go – my friends are out the front.” She was telling the truth, but I probably would have pushed irregardless of lack of regard.
“Cool. Give me your number.”
Three months later, I’m sitting on the couch at Angelique’s place, with her head in my lap.
“You know I only gave you my number because I couldn’t think of an excuse in the moment. Like ‘Oh… ah… yeah… here you go’.”
“Really… I had no idea.” I really didn’t. But then, she did give me her real number.
“Yeah. I wasn’t even going to reply to your text messages, except when I got them, I was sitting with Desiree… She’d seen the whole thing, and she kept saying ‘You have to reply! He’s really cute!’”
“Really… good to have friends.”
“Then when you were sending those naughty text messages we were all replying together.”
“Hahah what? Well that makes a lot more sense.”
I’d texted her on Sunday and told her that she could be my girlfriend over text for the next five minutes. Then I said since we’re so close, we could have textual intercourse. She started sending me messages saying she was at home in bed wearing a silky nighty and stuff. I thought whoaaa I didn’t expect this.Then I called her and she said “Uhh… … … hi.” a little stand offish, and she most definitely was not at home in a silk nighty.
Now I understood what happened.
“Then you invited me out for hot chocolate. I probably wouldn’t have come if you didn’t do that.”
“Really? Didn’t really ever cross my mind. What do most guys do?”
“Well, you know, invite me over to his place so he can cook me dinner. Which is a definite no no. Or just invite me out to dinner. Which has so much potential to go bad when you have to sit there and finish your meal.”
“Ah. So you’re pretty much screwed unless you get hot chocolate.”
“Exactly. I don’t know how you got me back to your place. That book…”
“Yeah… I planned that.”
“You what?”
A guy has to stack the deck in his favour sometimes.
I arrived to the café half an hour early, with a copy of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. Actually it really worked in my favour. I was sitting on the couch trying to remember what Angelique looked like… All I remembered was she was brunette and had an awesome body. She came in and knocked my hot chocolate onto the book. She apologised profusely. I said “Don’t worry about it… any book that’s worth anything is going to go through some wars… rains… whatever. And the way this book is going… it needs some chocolate on it to make it more interesting.” Half an hour later, we were going to leave and get some food or something.
“So, where are we going to go, Frenchman? You must know some nice places around here.”
I looked at the book and said “Actually I need to drop this book back at my place.”
“I’m not sure if I know you well enough to go back to your place…” Which was a funny thing for her to say, because if she hadn’t have said it, I would have just dropped the book off and we’d go get some food. Instead:
“Ah come on it’ll be fun, we’ll watch some movies.”
And away we went.
“Sneaky sneaky… I can’t believe you orchestrated it like that. How much else did you plan?”
“Hardly anything. But hey, a guy’s got to have some insurance. It’s like 99% being a brilliant guy… 1% bringing a book along. Actually, I can’t believe it even worked. Thinking about it now, it makes hardly any sense… Like why should a book be a reason to go back to my place? But at the time it made perfect sense.”
“Hm… Yeah… It made perfect sense to me too. Actually I came to your place partly because I was guilty about spilling hot chocolate on it. You know, I couldn’t believe how quickly you’d kissed me. Like I’d only sat down in the café for about five minutes. I thought about leaving, but then I thought… wait a minute, if we’d been at a nightclub, we would have been kissing. So I stayed… Plus you were a really good kisser.”
“Haha. All these factors that come into it… I really had no idea.”
“And then you saying that bit about not wanting to think you were just a sex symbol.”
“Yeah… that was true. I didn’t want you to go away and think things through, thinking nothing but you and me heavy petting… then getting buyer’s remorse about the whole thing.”
“I can’t believe I even came back after having to move my car…”
“What are you talking about… you got me to come with you so you could find your way back.”
“Oh yeah… I did, didn’t I.”
I’d been grabbing her and kissing her and telling her how sexy she was. Items of clothing had been removed… but she wouldn’t take off her boots. Then the items of clothing had been replaced.She said she had to go move her car.
“Well, move it… come back and watch a movie. I don’t want you to leave thinking i’m just some sex symbol.”
“Are you sure you can restrain yourself while we watch a movie?”
“Please… I have more self-control than you think.”
We got back and walked back up the stairs. We watched Once without hardly touching each other. Then she started stroking my legs again.
I remember pushing her back into the bedroom.
“I can’t… it’s that time of the month.”
“Well, we can just lie together for a while.”
I kissed her and pushed her onto the bed.
We lay down for a while… then kissed… then heavy petting. Then I was probably sucking on her incredible boobs. I put her hand down my pants.
“Then I realised what I would be missing out on…”
“What?? I never ever would have considered that to be a selling point…”
“Yeah… I don’t think you realise how big it really is.”
Girls love to say this stuff to their guys I guess… I always take it with a grain of salt.
So, she took off her boots. Afterwards she said to me,
“Hey… want to hear something funny?”
“Sure.”
“Like, bad funny?”
“Uhh. In that case not really.”
“It’s like Seinfeld funny.”
“OK, go on then.”
“I don’t really know your name.”
“Hahah. Oh no… It’s Jones. You should have looked at my ID when I got it out to show you how old I was.”
“Oh yeah… but that would be suspicious.”
“It was already suspicious since you wanted to confirm how old I was.”
“You know what’s even funnier?”
“Uh… what?”
“I still didn’t catch your name then. I thought it was Josh or something. So for the next week, all my friends knew you as Twenty-Four.”
“Hahaha. You couldn’t have just asked me to repeat myself?”
“I thought it’d look stupid considering I already missed it once.”
“Hahah.”
I pushed her back onto the couch and lay on top of her.
French timez. “Listen… I am goING to take you someWHERE vaarry special… I am going to take you on ze tour of France. Non, not ze tour de France, but a tour de France. I weel take you to ze Louvre… It will be very romantic… Ze Louvre ‘as ze most romantic toilets in all of ze world…”
She laughed, then asked me seriously “Have you ever had sex in a toilet?”
“Non… but zat is why it weel be so special.”
